SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Harvard

QUIZ: Do You Love the Barker Café or Are You Just in Love With the Idea of the Barker Café?

Barker cafe

1. What’s your usual order?

a) Just coffee and maybe a pastry. (Or two, if my TF has torn apart my writing yet again.) 

b) It depends on what I’m reading: on Nietzsche days it’ll be a ristretto (that’s un café serré to those unfamiliar with Italian) but if I’m reading someone more decadent — Baudelaire for example — then perhaps I’d pair my scholarship with a half Allen Likes it Grilled and a soy milk London Fog. 

c) ill eat whatever table scraps the students feed me

2. What brings you to the Barker Café?

Winter Weather Update: FAS Open During Apocalypse

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,
 
Harvard University has been closely monitoring the progress of the winter weather event that is expected to arrive later tonight. We are expecting 2-4 inches of snow, and a more difficult than usual commute.
 
The University will remain open for normal operations tomorrow.
 
Make sure to check the Harvard Emergency page for updates.
 
9:22pm:
 

Area Student Only Experiences Passing of Time Through Expiration of “Remember Me for 30 Days” on Two-Step Verification

CAMBRIDGE, MA — As the overcast weeks of just-below freezing temperatures begin to blur together, area student Joseph Peterson ’20 realized that he only experiences the passing of time through the expiration of Harvard Key Login’s “Remember Me for 30 Days” option for Two-Step Verification.
 

Hahvahd Tours Add Stop at CAMHS in Pursuit of Authenticity

The hat-wearing, backwards-walking, Boston-accent-affecting minds behind the Hahvahd Tours have updated their route to include a stop at Counseling and Mental Health Services, aiming to more accurately represent student life at Harvard.
 

Plagiarism or Not? Incriminating Passages from Jill Abramson's New Book

honor code

Former New York Times executive editor and current Harvard professor Jill Abramson has been accused of plagiarism by multiple sources for passages in her new book, Merchants of Truth. Here are some of the passages in question:

LEAKED: CS124 Programming Problem

After getting totally shafted at your Google interview, you decided to enroll in CS 124, Data Structures and Algorithms. But surprise, surprise, you are woefully unprepared! Now your only hope is to mooch pset answers off of your more knowledgeable classmates.

Luckily, you have N friends in the class. But don’t get your hopes up yet. Only M of your friends have the mathematical maturity to finish the pset, and only K of your friends can program in one of C, C++, Java, OCaml, or Python. You, of course, can do neither.

Kanye Got Kenny G for Kim So Here’s my Blockmate Playing the Piccolo in Lamont Café


I saw Kanye’s epic gift for Kim this Valentine’s day and it really inspired me. I feel like I am the Kanye of Harvard’s class of 2021. Though I am a white male from Scarsdale, New York who wears khaki pants with sneakers and socks that go up uncomfortably high, I just feel the spirit of the rap god Yeezy flow through me. This makes you my Kim, even though you technically haven’t agreed to be my girlfriend and we’ve only hooked up twice. Kim and Kanye had a similar beginning, I believe. 

Harvard Square Unveils Trendy, Affordable New Restaurant: Tiffany Diamonds

Following pleas for more accessible eateries in Harvard Square, the Cambridge Planning Board announced this Thursday the opening of a new restaurant all Harvard students can afford: Tiffany & Co.

Pooping the Harvard Art Museums: 3 Things to Know Before You Go

bathroom

Few undergraduates at Harvard can say that they’ve been to the Harvard Art Museums. Fewer still take classes there every day. Even fewer can say that they have gone to the museums specifically to defecate within the same walls that exhibit the greats of Impressionism, Abstract Expressionism, and ancient Tupperware bearing the likenesses of goofy critters. That’s why the brave investigative journalists here at Satire Vlyby collaborated with Crimson Arts to take a deep dive into the scatological secrets buried within the Fogg, Busch-Reisinger, and Arthur M.

Our Sex Life Should Be Between You, Me, and My Four Roommates

Four girl roomates

In our social media-driven age, people are so used to broadcasting every little activity they do to the entire world. That’s fine, but when it comes to romance and intimacy, the particulars should stay private. Call me old fashioned, but I just think some things aren’t meant to be shared. So if we hook up, you can trust that no one's going to know the graphic details besides you, me, and my four roommates.

Pages