and entering

Please Don't Fuck Us

Harvard turkey
Those twenty-seven times I waddled in front of you as you rushed to wasn't a come-on, okay? Let me be, for God's sake.

Dear Harvard Community,

We know we’re hot shit around here. We can’t even cross the street without crowds of tourists swarming around us and snapping a hundred pictures a second. We’re a Harvard staple. But lately, we’ve been starting to notice some sketchy stuff you’ve been doing to the other “Harvard staples” around here. From peeing on the foot to doing the dirty in Widener, we haven’t been able to shake the feeling that we’re next in line to take the brunt of the next fucked up tradition. So, in case you weird ass kids are itching to start up something with us, we’d like to lay down some boundaries and just make one thing perfectly clear before things start getting out of hand:

Please don’t fuck us.

Let’s face it, considering all the other fucked up shit you do, is this really that much of a stretch? It’s kind of like all of the other traditions melded into one one unspeakable act. A real smashburger of awfulness. Don’t get us wrong, we love traditions just as much as the next Galiform. Feel free to initiate other traditions with us that don’t involve a violation of our personal space. Like feeding us. Or building us shelter. That would be nice.

Here are some reasons we’ve compiled as to why we should not be fucked. 

  1. Beastiality

  2. Turkey STDs might be a thing

  3. How would you even catch us

  4. Beastiality 

Also, while we’re on the subject, please don’t film us fucking each other, either. We were hoping we wouldn’t have to bring this up but we honestly don’t know what to expect from you guys anymore. Please, just have some basic decency for once in your grossly privileged lives. We’re just turkeys who like waddling around town and slowing down traffic. Keep your sick traditions within the bounds of the inanimate universe and just leave us alone. 

Thank you and see you at Thanksgiving,

The Harvard Turkeys

© 2019