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Harvard

INTERVIEW: Leverett Dining Hall Crumb Accepts Fate Upon Nighttime Dining Hall Restrictions

A crumb

LEVERETT HOUSE - With mostly uncontroversial new late night restrictions put in place for the Leverett Dining Hall, intending to allow dining hall staff time to keep the space clean against the heavy frequency of office hours and study groups, not all members of the community are happy about the restriction. We put our ears to the ground for a "pulse" from a longtime resident: 

I Love Art

sackler in the fogg

December 14, 1980 

I am writing to inform you that I am interested in donating some money in order to expand the Fogg and create a new home for the Asian and Ancient collections. I, Arthur Sackler, consider myself a patron of the arts and know a lot about artwork. Let me tell you some things about my personal collection, my aesthetic preferences, and how much I love art. 

Keep Waiting, You Beautiful Fools

Dig Inn
by Dig
 
Last summer, it was reported (and — dare I say — to much excitement) that I would open in the fall. It is now mid-February, and I am still sitting pretty — alluringly empty, hauntingly beautiful. I know it's been a while, but please, darling. Let me have my fun. 
 

Hard to Watch: This Sophomore Thinks Carnitas is Harvard-Themed Meat

CAMBRIDGE, MA— This Thursday, the Crimson received reports that Harvard sophomore Henry Williamson ’22 is convinced that carnitas is a special Harvard version of meat.

According to onlookers, Williamson offered repeated guesses as to what exactly made the ‘carnitas’ Harvard-themed. “He first asked me if it was crimson colored. When I didn’t respond, he asked if it was ‘the meat of three lies’. I tried to go hide behind the grill but when he saw my hat poking out he screamed asking if the meat wasn’t actually found in 1636” said El Jefe’s owner John Schall.

Students Can’t Tell if Professor is Racist or Just Passionate about American History

professor

BOSTON, MA—Throughout the first few weeks of class, a History professor who chose to remain unnamed has been reported to make comments, “that are just a little bit off,” in the words of one mildly concerned student. 

Going Green: Clover Replaces Paper Napkins with Single Communal Handkerchief

CAMBRIDGE, MA –- Last week, in a new initiative to combat climate change, health-food magnate and Clover CEO Jeff Henderson substituted the company’s entire supply of single-use napkins with one handkerchief. “Do you know the number of trees we’re saving?” Henderson poses. “Seriously, how many? I haven’t done the math yet – but I’m sure it’s a lot.” Clover’s “science guy” assured us that it is indeed a lot.

My Last Joy in This Hellhole Is Stealing People’s Grill Orders

By a Former High School Valedictorian, Varsity Athlete, and Number One Hottie

Until about a month ago, Harvard felt like such a hellhole. In high school, I was the undisputed alpha. The top dog. The head honcho. So when I came to Harvard, I was flabbergasted when people somehow started beating me in things and – dare I say it – I became insecure about my sweet, well-manicured abilities. That is, until I discovered a new extracurricular that could serve as my path to redemption.

Facebook “Primed and Ready” to Hire All Students that Fail GENED1058: Tech Ethics

tech ethics

MENLO PARK, CA – Facebook is turning to alternative recruitment techniques to keep its ranks filled with talent amidst techlash and ethical controversies.

The company’s global head of recruitment, Miranda Kalinowski, details their new campaign in a Facebook post, which appears to be just a screenshot of a Tweet: “Here at Facebook, we realize that grades don’t matter, which is why we are primed and ready to hire any and all students that fail Tech Ethics.”

Water Polo Team Rescued From Straws Stuck in Their Noses

The New England Aquarium’s Marine Animal Rescue Program received a distress call Tuesday when a school of water polo players were spotted suffering from straws stuck in their noses and other entangling plastic. The rescue operation, initiated by a family enjoying a day trip to Blodgett Estuary, was a success, but a grim reminder of how wanton plastic consumption can destroy the lives of our precious, precious marine life.

Naked and Afraid: Confused TF Mistakes Grad Student Strike for Grad Student Streak

Day 1 of the Graduate Student strike in Harvard Yard

 

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Earlier this month, the Harvard Graduate Student Union-United Auto Workers planned a strike to take place on December 3rd, 2019. However, local graduate student David Johnson was utterly shocked when he showed up to the strike nude, having misread “strike” as “streak” in all of the emails he had received.

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