CAMBRIDGE, MA ­– After relocating from their Bow Street residence, Café Pamplona shocked the Harvard community with a purchase of Harvard’s oldest Final Club, the Porcellian. A spokesperson for Pamplona claimed that, “We really think that new management of this location can really do wonders in restoring its image–we plan on making some sweeping changes, mostly just allowing women in for starters.”

The business reportedly came into a large sum of money required for this purchase after up charging on the former Bow Street location $700,000. “The Harvard Beekeeping Society seemed pretty desperate to get back on their feet, and were willing to pay anything for a place to settle their hives,” explained the spokesperson.

According to reports, the Porcellian was on sale due to terrible conditions inside. An anonymous member told our reporters that, “the reason why no non-members are allowed inside the Porcellian is because it is really messy and we would get embarrassed by having guests. There is a common misconception that we are highly elite and exclusive, but honestly it’s all because none of our members have ever had to clean up after themselves before.” Pamplona reported that the interior was littered with empty Hong Kong takeout boxes and half-filled air mattresses.

Going forward with their purchase, Café Pamplona hopes to revolutionize the punch process: “We are issuing punch cards, where anyone who can make it to the tenth round of punch is eligible for a free cup of coffee.”