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Yeah, But Underwater Football Would Be Pretty Cool

Larry Bacow

by Larry Bacow

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Our campus has long been host to lively debates around the most pressing social issues of our time. Indeed, we are proud that our students engage freely in the exchange of ideas. On Saturday, hundreds of protesters rushed the field of the annual Harvard-Yale game to demand that we divest our endowments from the fossil fuel industry. 

Though I recognize their bravery, I cannot help but ask: Wouldn’t underwater football be like, so bitching?

Hey It’s Been A While But Can I Sleep On Your Floor?

“Is it Quid-Pro-Quo if My Hot TF Is On Strike?”: A Legal Analysis

As the Harvard Graduate Students Union escalates towards calling a strike of its workers, our legal team has gotten dozens of questions regarding the ramifications a possible strike would have on the sexual relations between undergraduate students and the student workers who lead their classes.

Thank Me, Urchin, For My Charity

By: Your Financial Aid Donor

Hello Poor,  

It is I, the magnanimous benefactor upon whom your attendance at this university depends. The leaves have fallen, my family and servants are moving into our November estate, and we have once again reached that stage of the semester where you, my plucky and fate-favored ward, are encouraged to wash my holy feet with tears of gratitude. 

Jess & PusFace for A Cleaner UC

We are so excited to announce the winner of the UC Presidential Election: Jess & PusFace! Thank you to all who voted, and we look forward to the much-needed change these two will bring to our campus.

1. Wasted Funds. Reallocate the $200 student activities fee from all undergraduate students to cover PusFace's intensive medical care. 

2. Community & Immunity. Create a Multi-Coagulate Center for the mingling of biles to boost campus immunity.

PBK Elects 1,562 Seniors to the "Definitely Not PBK" Society

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- 1,562 Harvard seniors awoke to a very exciting Thursday morning email. "Upon viewing your lackluster academic records and history of mediocrity, we are honored to announce that you have been elected to the Definitely Not PBK Society." 

"We think everyone deserves an award," a PBK spokesperson said. "It's just that this award means you are not special in any way, shape, or form, and cannot join our club." 

Edgy Blockmate Has Something to Say, Again

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Sources report that The Edgiest Member Of Your Blocking Group ‘22 is preparing to say something, again. You and your roommates were in the dining hall pretending to be shocked about the latest admissions scandal when he came in and sat down. 

We Kidnapped Your Mom And She’s Calling You To Lunch at Mignone Field

by Harvard Athletics

Today is the biggest social event of the fall, and we really want all the students to come out and support our athletics teams, so we kidnapped your mom and she’s calling you for lunch at Mignone Field! 

Are These Boys in Suits Going to a Punch Event, a Recruiting Event, or the Rat King’s Birthday Soirée?

Fall in Cambridge comes in many forms. Leaves change colors, temperatures drop, and boys in suits go to mysterious destinations. In droves, these boys travel Harvard Square like teeny tiny businessmen. However, one question puzzles almost anyone who crosses the boys’ paths: Are these boys in suits going to a punch event, a recruiting event, or The Rat King’s Birthday Soirée?

New SAT Format Just Straight Up Asks How Much Money Your Parents Have

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In an unprecedented cooperative front, the College Board has officially paired with the Harvard University Admissions Office to announce a new holistic SAT format with only one question, “If your parents’ income was represented in miles, how many miles do your parents make per year?”

This partnership appears to address some of the major concerns identified in the admissions lawsuit against Harvard.

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