What’s that??? What year am I?  Oh you asked your friend if they were near? Well, you already got me started so...

*Ahem*

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

It’s an age-old story: University President gets invited to an Earth and Planetary Sciences brunch to discuss sustainability research. He goes so he can tweet about it and hopefully get those Divest kids off his lawn. It’ll be over by noon, and then he can go back to burping cows with the Harvard Management Company. But all of us with an email account know that’s not how yesterday went. 

1. How much/little money will you be earning this summer?
2. How many internships did you get rejected from?

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After realizing that any sizable chunk of time resembling a spring break might offer too significant a relief from an online semester amidst a global pandemic, Harvard has announced that it will be reallocating the week as 7200 “wellness minutes” throughout the spring semester.

Area email list member Peter Anderson was astonished upon learning that action is not actually required on the thirteenth Google Form he was sent through the student organization email list he joined accidentally as a first-year.

Upon receiving an email asking for his RSVP to the student organization’s next social, Anderson reportedly continued to put off the responsibility until it was too late – the deadline had passed before he could respond with a ‘No’.

By a Former High School Valedictorian, Varsity Athlete, Number One Hottie, and Grill Order Bandit 

ZOOM— This past week, Mather House hosted a public service career panel with its alumni and HoCo moderating the panel. Though in the past this event has drawn no more than 10 people at a time, the house was “optimistic” for a strong showing this year. 

By the Allston Engineering Campus 

Yeah, I get it. We’ve all had a pretty shitty year. We were all expecting maybe a little better for ourselves. Zoom University was renewed for a second season. Mather Lather was presumably canceled for the foreseeable future. And what was supposed to be a breathless tryst in the Widener stacks is now a ménage à un in your childhood beanbag chair.

By Fall 2020

I know, I know. You probably don’t want to hear from me. You think that I’m the weird one. The outsider. The one that's been "ruining your college experience for the past 4 miserable months”.