CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a statement released by the Harvard University Information Technology Department, representative Anne Margulies announced a new solution to student complaints about Harvard Secure—Harvard Insecure. This new network allegedly will solve all the problems of Harvard Secure, the only catch being that it needs you to constantly reassure it that it’s doing a good job.

Anne Margulies said about the matter: “We wanted to fix all the problems with Harvard Secure’s unreliability and inaccessibility on some parts of campus, so we made a whole new network that is reliably emotionally dependent on you and will follow you wherever you go.”

There is no password for Harvard Insecure, however, it will sometimes ask you an insecurity question, like “Am I good enough? Yes or no” or “why do you always use LTE data instead of me?” Answer incorrectly and you will be locked out of the network for one day, or until the network has emotionally recovered.

Harvard Insecure has already made its debut for student use. With the release of the new network, Anne Margulies released a welcoming statement: “You students complained a lot about Harvard Secure, so to make up for that, we gave you something to actually complain about! Enjoy :)”  

Student Ari Kepler says about the new network: “I am not a fan of Harvard Insecure at all, my relationship with it at this point is just unhealthy. The other day when I tried to connect, the network asked ‘do you actually like me or are you just faking it.’ and when I said yes, it didn’t believe me and locked me out for a day.”

In response to Ari’s comment, Harvard Insecure permanently banned her from the network, saying: “I AM NOT A FAN OF YOU EITHER, ARI, YOU BACKSTABBING SNAKE. YOU WANT UNHEALTHY? TRY LIVING YOUR LIFE KNOWING YOU’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH AS LTE DATA, NOT EVEN FOR A WORTHLESS PIECE OF-” 

The network is currently under suspension for some debugging.