In a recent interview with SatireV, China stated that it was “over this shit, just like, really over it.” The last few years have been trying for eldest brother China as he deals with his younger siblings (Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands) and their tantrums.

"You know, I fought hard to get Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands from that bastard Japan and his bitch of a new wife, England. I fought because it was important that we be a family again; the foster system does terrible things to a growing nation.”

Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, is speculated to have unintentionally eaten the nation he governs. An investigation into Un’s pre-post-dinner-mid-midnight snack this Monday revealed that instead of eating his usual meal of two chickens, an omelet, and a local peasant, Un had accidentally consumed the entire nation of North Korea.

Following a recent rash of journalist brieheadings, the US is stepping up its  efforts to combat the MICE-IS terrorist organization in Syria and Iraq, with President Obama calling for increased gruyere strikes against key oil fields and weapons depots.

     Tower of London, United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland – With Scottish voters having decisively voted “No” in the long anticipated referendum on independence, Scottish First Minister and leading independence advocate Alex Salmond has been transported in shackles to London and ritually disemboweled by members of the Queen's household guard. 

In his revolutionary one-paragraph candidacy statement released earlier this week, Undergraduate Council (UC) Freshman Representative candidate from Elm Yard, Tim Peterson, has unveiled a plan for the development of Scotland if the region votes to become an independent country.

Hogsmeade, Scotland—In what has been perhaps the school’s most political move in over a decade, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry released a statement this Wednesday advocating for Scots to vote ‘no’ on today’s independence referendum. “Should the country not wish to die a most painful death,” Headmaster Albus Dumbledore said, “it would do well to remember its place.” Halting words from the usually peace mongering Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot come just before Scots head to the polls to decide who they really are.

Secret intelligence has come out that Forest Whitaker, who played Ugandan dictator Idi Amin in Kevin MacDonald’s “The Last King of Scotland” is now ready to be the actual king of Scotland. The film highlights Idi Amin’s somewhat incredibly weird liking of Scottish royalty and rebellion.

Loch Ness—Despite an abundance of misleading rumors and myths, the Loch Ness Monster is, indeed, still in the process of deciding whether to vote “Yes” or “No” on the referendum for Scottish independence.

           “I see both sides, I s’pose,” says the lake creature, whose first documented appearance is recorded in the 7th-century manuscript The Life of St. Columba. “Certainly, there’s a compelling argument to be made that Scotland as we know it will lose significant economic viability. On the other hand, though, no one around this loch likes the English.”

Edinburgh, Scotland—Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, wearing a traditional white thawb and an aqal headdress, addressed the press this morning to discuss his government’s preparations for independence pending the results of the September 18 referendum.

Moscow—Early Monday morning, Russian technicians opened the hatch on the newly-landed Foton M-4 satellite only to find that its cargo had suffered a temperature control failure while in orbit. Several dozen fruit flies appeared unharmed, but the five celebrated geckos involved in an experiment on sex and reproduction in zero gravity appeared to have frozen to death. Russian communities the world over saw an outpouring of grief for the reptilian cosmonauts, and official responses were swift.