THE HEAVENS — Addressing thousands of years of inquiries into the meaning of life and the existence of a higher power, God revealed on Monday that this universe is the control group in a long-term field experiment testing how well humans fare sans Divine Intervention.

RIO DE JANIERO, BRAZIL — As the Olympics continue, spectators are heralding the decision to apprehend British distance runner Mo Farah after it was alleged by commentators that he “set the Olympic stadium on fire” during his performance.

Concerns were initially aroused after Farah was clocked at four minutes and three seconds for the last mile of the 10,000 meters final, provoking terrified screams from spectators, but it was only once commentators directly accused him of arson that the authorities became involved.

LONDON, UK -- After a historic day in British politics of massive voter turnout and a decisive victory for the "Vote Leave" campaign, the United Kingdom will no longer be a member of the European Union. Many citizens are hailing the decision as a turning point for the British people in a struggle against oppressive and undemocratic Euro-centric politics, while some so-called "experts" are describing the momentous vote as having "triggered the largest single-day crash in the history of the pound."

MANILA, PHLIPPINES — With Donald Trump assuming the Republican presidential nomination and Rodrigo Duterte elected the newest president of the Philippines, the citizens of the world collectively announced today that look, maybe we should just forget about the whole Democracy thing. “It was nice while it lasted, I guess. But I think it’s clear it’s just not working anymore,” said Manila resident Abian Ramos, who now has to live under a legitimately elected president who once joked that it was a shame a rape victim was so beautiful, because he wish he had been first.

MOSCOW — Russian officials have expressed confusion and surprise in response to allegations that it may have struck a refugee camp in Syria earlier this week, and that many of its airstrikes in recent months have targeted non-jihadist rebels in the country.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—In light of today’s terrorist bombings in Brussels, Belgium, Americans have officially run out of thoughts and prayers.

“It seems I’ve used them all,” said despondent Dallas, Texas native Frances O’Sullivan. “After sending so many to Ankara last week and the majority to Paris in November, I found myself unable to send my thoughts and prayers to Brussels via social media today. It just wouldn’t work,” she added, the collective weight of human sorrow visibly weighing her down.

Dear America,

Please read this. I know you guys don’t like me, but we have to work together. It is widely known that I hate America, but you should know that I love polar bears more. I know I’ve killed a lot of people-- but have you heard that more than 20,000 polar bears have died from climate change? I swear, America, I'm not as bad as global warming.