This Tuesday, the World Health Organization (WHO) announced that a Kurds pandemic has hit regions in Turkey, Iran, and Iraq. WHO director Dr. Margaret Chen said that the infection most likely started in the third century BCE but was aggravated by the recent introduction of foreign bodies to the area. Kurds can result in a number of health complications including nausea, indigestion, sandy contacts, an infertile crescent, and cries for autonomous statehood.

LOS ALAMOS, NM — Years after starting his country’s nuclear program, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has finally joined the exclusive Nuclear Club. Following confirmation of the North Korean nuclear test on October 9th, acting Club Chair George W. Bush officially extended an invitation to the idiosyncratic leader of the newly-nuclear Communist regime, which was quickly accepted by the diminutive dictator.

PYONGYANG — An official spokesman for Kim Jong-Il announced this week, “our leader, perfect in all his forms, would like you to know size does not matter.” Speaking at length about North Korea’s recent nuclear weapons test, the spokesman went on, “despite the small stature of North Korea’s offensive
sword, the constant rhythm of our attack will keep our opponent enthralled
for hours and hours.”

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a stunning reversal, the infant child of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt has apparently been adopted by a poor Kenyan family. Jolie, whose efforts to adopt children from third-world countries are well-documented, appeared shaken yesterday after her daughter Shiloh was adopted by a couple from Kenya. According to sources close to the family, Shiloh was adopted from her crib in the Jolie home between 1am and 3am last night.

BEIJING, China -- Fast on the heels of the Sudanese government's decision to jail a woman for naming a teddy bear after the prophet Muhammad, Chinese authorities are scrambling to recall thousands of domestically manufactured Islamic militant teddy bears.