and entering

Kim Jong-Il Finally Receives Entrance Into Nuclear Club

Kim Jong-Il takes a swig of Chardonnay at the Nuclear Club's full-service bar

LOS ALAMOS, NM — Years after starting his country’s nuclear program, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has finally joined the exclusive Nuclear Club. Following confirmation of the North Korean nuclear test on October 9th, acting Club Chair George W. Bush officially extended an invitation to the idiosyncratic leader of the newly-nuclear Communist regime, which was quickly accepted by the diminutive dictator. In accordance with club by-laws, Kim Jong-Il’s entry was sponsored by two current members, Russian President Vladimir Putin and Chinese President Hu Jintao, both of whom wrote glowing letters of recommendation.

Kim Jong-Il has long coveted an invitation to the Club. Following his initiation into the group, he was overheard saying to one of his aides, “I don’t know if the guys over at the Nuclear Club knew just how much this meant to me. I’ve been itching to get inside those club gates ever since the club lobbied for the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty to limit membership to, you know, the right kind of people.” He added, “I can’t wait to tee off on their Three Mile Island golf course.”

Besides the golf course, the club also has numerous other amenities for the select few who claim membership. These luxuries include fine wines and cigars, gym facilities, cheap and clean power, a light-water Jacuzzi, and of particular interest to the Dear Leader, complimentary hair-styling. The price for membership is high, and requires onerous amounts of spending on the military-industrial complex. According to Kim-Jong Il, “It’s not easy to pay dues; I have people starving in the streets. But it’s so worth it to have that special place where you can just get away from the world.”

Discussions for admitting any new member are rough, but the turmoil surrounding the North Korean leader’s admission was particularly divisive. While current member Hu Jintao was a strong advocate for admission, acting Club Chair George W. Bush expressed reservations. “He’s a fine man, but he mingles with the wrong set,” said President Bush, in records of a secret board meeting leaked to Satire V. “Plus, I don’t know if I would want a member who might consider Spot a delicious meal.” Spot, President Bush’s English Springer Spaniel, was unavailable for comment.

Several other leaders are currently pursuing sponsorship, but as of now it’s unclear whether the Nuclear Club is ready for any new blood. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran, has been seeking membership for some time now and obtained sponsorship from Vladimir Putin. While most agree that Iran will gain membership, it most likely will not be accepted for several years.

The proposed admission of Ehud Olmert, Prime Minister of Israel, is also a perpetual source of conflict. Says Club Chair Bush, “While we’re not your grandfather’s nuclear club, certain rules must never change. Sure, they designed and built the things, but I still have to insist: no Jews.”

© 2007