Several of Chavez’s closest confidants weigh in on his passing.

Following his resignation on February 28^th, Pope Benedict the XVI will host a multi-million dollar function, to be known as “The Pope-a-palooza MMXIII,” in celebration of the completion of his pontificate. The event will feature solemn reflection, group prayer, and cake strippers.

According to footage leaked from an emergency meeting of the UN held in New York City this morning, the meteor that was reported to have hit Chelyabinsk, Russia was actually a space capsule piloted by Laika, a Russian dog launched into orbit aboard Sputnik 2 in 1954, in what the New York Times has called "the biggest attempted government cover-up since the accidental vaporization of North Dakota in 1974."

Washington, DC—In a conference call with President Obama, Speaker John Boehner, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Greek President Karolos Papoulias insisted that sequestration wasn't all that bad.  

Papoulias, whose government has seen four Prime Ministers and two government collapses in the past 12 months, explained that slashing a trillion dollars from defense and social spending “wasn’t a big deal”. Greece’s EU-imposed austerity measures have forced it to enact similar policies, and Papoulias told American leaders that the whole experience had been “fun”.

NORTH POLE – In an uncharacteristically glum Christmas Eve in the North Pole, Santa Claus admitted that for almost ten years he has been harboring growing doubts about the existence of children.

 Santa told reporters at the December 24^th press conference, "I've been reluctant to speak my mind on this issue, but I feel the time is right." Among other things, St. Nick revealed that no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.