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Meteor Actually Russian Space Dog Back for Revenge

"Workers of the World, Fetch!"

According to footage leaked from an emergency meeting of the UN held in New York City this morning, the meteor that was reported to have hit Chelyabinsk, Russia was actually a space capsule piloted by Laika, a Russian dog launched into orbit aboard Sputnik 2 in 1954, in what the New York Times has called "the biggest attempted government cover-up since the accidental vaporization of North Dakota in 1974."

Laika, the first mammal ever to reach geocentric orbit, was thought to have died five hours into her original flight. However, according to the speech she gave via Skype to the assembled representatives of the UN Security Council, she was rescued from Sputnik 2 by the daughter of the Great Lord Xenu and brought back to the Rhynthos, where, through a combination of thetan radiation and hard work, she mastered the art of telekinesis and also eye lasers. She says that she returned to Russia in order to "satisfy [her] lust for vengeance against those who wronged [her], [her] thirst for Soviet blood, and [her] craving for borscht."

Russian officials are now reporting that, after crashing her ship, Laika flew to Moscow and blew up half of the Kremlin using her mind powers, which was described as both "tragic" and "crazy awesome," before demanding that all kneel before her. Former Russian President Vladimir Putin refused to kneel and subsequently was exploded. Laika has ordered a statue of Putin to be placed in the Red Square, along with his immortal last words, "I can take her."

Laika, a huge fan of liberty and stuff, has decided to forego her plans to instate a "Dogtatorship" and will instead assume Putin's role as fairly elected leader of a legitimate democracy. Laika assured the UN that, for now, she is satisfied with Russia, though she notes that she has not ruled out maybe pursuing "World Dogmination" in 2016.

© 2013