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British Government to Decide On All Future Policies By “Settling It Outside”

Owen Smith just waits this one out.
LONDON, UK,…EU?—After a chaotic week in which UK Independence Party MEP and leadership candidate Steven Woolfe was checked into a hospital following an “altercation” at a party meeting, the British government has announced that it will no longer vote on policy decisions, and will instead resolve such issues by “settling it outside”.
 
MPs were inspired to restructure the executive protocols of Parliament following a tumultuous summer of British politics, featuring three party leadership elections, two cabinet reshuffles, and one EU-referendum-shaped steaming and ashen partridge in a pear tree.
 
However, following a referendum result opposed by 60% of Parliament, Speaker of Parliament John Bercow announced that the government will “do away with this new-fangled democracy malarkey,” and from now on will “settle things the old fashioned way.” “It makes my job awfully more exciting,” he remarked, before hurriedly replacing his wig and yelling “Order!” as a group of Labour MPs pulled their newly re-elected leader Jeremy Corbyn into a headlock and proceeded to beat him with a copy of the party manifesto.
 
The new policy has also caused tensions both between and within parties to become more apparent. “I’m a big fan of all this hooliganism,” said Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson, as "Remain" Conservative Philip Hammond plucked a tuft of chalky hair from his head. Meanwhile, across the aisle, Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon was seen depositing a "Glaswegian kiss" on the nose of fellow Scottish Nationalist leader Alex Salmond before tearing the sleeves off her jacket and reciting a speech from Braveheart.
 
At press time, Nick Clegg was seen doing his upmost to dissuade Liberal Democratic leader Tim Farron from getting involved, while the party’s other six MPs meekly attempted to break up the rapidly expanding brawl, questioning why their fellow political representatives “Can’t just get along.”
© 2016
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