It is I, your immortal and unendingly beneficent heavenly father come to thy stoop to bid thee heed a message of warning. The eve before last, I descended upon this minute sphere of thine to fulfill a godly fantasy of mine: to dine in an establishment renowned through the firmament for perfecting the mortal ambrosia. I speak, plainly, of Taco Bell. 

MOREHEAD, NC — The Flat Earth Society came under fire on Tuesday when it could not disprove that the earth is actually one of God's balls.

A new theory about the divine origin of earth's roundness was published in the April edition of Planets: Educational Network for Interspace Systems. Asked for comment, Anita Thompson, the head of the Flat Earth Society’s PR team, stated, “The Flat Earth Society has long suspected that the earth is part of God’s genitalia, but we had assumed that it was a flatter portion of the reproductive organs, such as the skin of the scrotum.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard Professor Joe Blitzstein has shocked the world with what has been described as the “most elegant proof for the existence of God in human history.”

THE VATICAN – Today Pope Francis, leader of the Catholic Church, announced that he will consult God on whether headphones get tangled in Heaven.

The Bishop of Rome himself issued a statement to Catholics worldwide in which he said, "For years we, God's children, have been wondering whether our headphones will remain tangled in Heaven. Well, I've been poring over the scripture and thousands of pages of Catholic teachings, and I've found nothing. Total bupkis. I'm going to have to defer to the Man Upstairs on this one."

THE FRAPTURE -- Signaling the End of Days and also the beginning of autumn, today the Pumpkin Spice Latte returned in fulfillment of the scriptures.

"Lo, kneel before your God," said the Pumpkin Spice Latte as it descended from the heavens and landed next to a strip mall Starbucks. Passersby were frozen in their tracks as they took in the awesome sight of the Latte.

THE HEAVENS — Addressing thousands of years of inquiries into the meaning of life and the existence of a higher power, God revealed on Monday that this universe is the control group in a long-term field experiment testing how well humans fare sans Divine Intervention.

HEAVEN – On Friday, God finally worked up the courage to ask a favorite resident of planet Earth to find a place for Him in her heart. After years of pursuit, His efforts were rewarded with a suggestion that they “just be friends.”

Paradise—News from the Big Man Upstairs has descended from the heavens as God, Infallible Creator of Earth, the Universe, and—admittedly—jeggings, has announced that He will release his long-anticipated follow-up to the New Testament as a series of three concept albums.

“I really dig what’s going on in the alternative scene right now,” said God. “I’m just trying to cash in before it’s too late.”