and entering

Apocalypse Ensues After Area Man Wears Polyester At Red Lobster On A Saturday

The scene at Faneuil Hall today, as Death rode forth on a pale stallion to smite the sinners.

In what theologians have described as “the triple crown of sin,” Woburn resident Donald Keegan’s decision to wear a garment of mixed fibers while eating shellfish on the Sabbath has led to the breaking of the seven seals, the sounding of seven trumpets, and the raining of flames down from the heavens in a series of events that will almost certainly lead to the cancellation of this week’s Patriots game, as well as the destruction of mankind.

As local authorities, in a last-ditch plea for mercy, scrambled to pierce the ears of all unpaid interns who remained with companies for longer than six years, light the choicest fat of lambs on fire, and cut off the hands of any women who have ever grabbed the groins of their husbands’ adversaries, the Lamb ascended Mount Zion in the company of 144,000 souls who, based on the regulations in Exodus and Leviticus, never enjoyed themselves and probably committed some serious felonies, there to judge the iniquitous sinners.

"Lord, why have you forsaken me?” pleaded Mother Teresa, who, despite being arguably the most selfless person in human history, never once retreated to a tent for the duration of her period, and was therefore being chased by lion-headed locusts along with equally abhorrent evildoers such as Abraham Lincoln, who once borrowed an article of clothing for longer than an afternoon, and Nelson Mandela, who never helped an Afrikaner’s donkey shoulder its burden in accordance with Exodus 23:5.

While attempts to stone Mr. Keegan three times in a row to retroactively end the crisis have failed, President Obama reassured the American people that the government was doing everything in its power to stop the crisis.

“My fellow Americans, the FBI has successfully rounded up for execution everyone who has ever said ‘Oh my God!’ or dressed as Hermione Granger for Halloween,” the president announced. “Likewise, we are administering 39 lashes to any women caught speaking in houses of worship. However, it may not be enough.”

The staff of The Huffington Post has yet to reveal how this series of events will affect the Jennifer Lawrence hacker scandal.

© 2014