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China To Replace All Google Searches With Seductive Photos Of Xi Jinping

xi jinping

BEIJING, CHINA - In the latest escalation of its censorship policies, the Chinese government announced this morning that it had reached an agreement with Google to redirect every search result to one of 12,000 photographs of President Xi Jinping in various seductive poses and degrees of nudity.

China Fucking Over It

In a recent interview with SatireV, China stated that it was “over this shit, just like, really over it.” The last few years have been trying for eldest brother China as he deals with his younger siblings (Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands) and their tantrums.

"You know, I fought hard to get Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands from that bastard Japan and his bitch of a new wife, England. I fought because it was important that we be a family again; the foster system does terrible things to a growing nation.”

Scientists Find Endangered Animals Inside “Chinese Turducken”

After the People’s Republic of China announced its most recent American knock-off, the Chinese Thanksgiving, the government introduced the holiday’s new signature dish: the Chinese turducken.

However, the worldwide environmental community has expressed outrage after scientists analyzed prototypes of the Chinese turduckens and found traces of Liger, Panda and Snow leopard.

Ex-Lovers China and Japan Child Custody Dispute Turns Ugly

After a nasty break up in 1937, they’re at it again. We all remember the notorious comment from the early 1600s when Dutch paparazzi asked Japan its relationship status with China and received the terse: “I’m really not that into China.  She’s really self centered. I’m definitely not making anything official.”

After years of toughing it out, in 1937 they made People magazine's list of worst breakups in history, just below the Goslings and just above Spears and Federline.