Dear Harvard College Students,

While this year’s Harvard-Yale Game, presidential election, World Series (Go Tribe!), and countless other things of varying levels of importance didn’t go our way, I hope that each of you enjoyed the festivities and camaraderie of last weekend as much as I did. And let me tell you, Tommy D isn’t the only dean who knows how to party. Cabot tailgate was pretty fucking lit.

1. Make a list. Your shopping will be more efficient if you know what you are going to buy beforehand!
2. Hunt for some coupons online. It's always good to know the discounts before you go!
3. Get a good night’s rest—you’ll have to wake up early in order to get all the best deals!
4. Wake the fuck up. It’s 2 a.m. You overslept.
5. Drink a Red Bull.
6. Drink another.
7. Steal your cousin’s Porsche. It’ll get you to the mall faster.
8. Throw a flash bang grenade into the store to disorient other customers. Steal their shit.

“I’ve been just been so busy, you know,” said West, who has called the people who gave birth to him a total of three times since the semester started, one of which was to ask what the family Netflix password was. “But it’s great seeing you guys. We should totally do this again sometime!”

To My Fans,

Thank you for your admiration and support over the past couple of months. I don’t know what I did to deserve such attention and fame, but regardless I thank you all for the love you have shown me on Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat. Whatever those are.

Plymouth Colony, Wampanoag Confederacy—The first Plymouth Plantation harvest celebration was cancelled today when the Wampanoag tribe discovered that the Pilgrims had not properly filled out the necessary immigration paperwork.

The Wampanoag Confederacy denied the Pilgrims’ visas based on incomplete DS-260 forms. They failed to retrieve the signature of their supervisor in time for the application deadline, and thus must be deported.

After the People’s Republic of China announced its most recent American knock-off, the Chinese Thanksgiving, the government introduced the holiday’s new signature dish: the Chinese turducken.

However, the worldwide environmental community has expressed outrage after scientists analyzed prototypes of the Chinese turduckens and found traces of Liger, Panda and Snow leopard.