- Make a list. Your shopping will be more efficient if you know what you are going to buy beforehand!
- Hunt for some coupons online. It's always good to know the discounts before you go!
- Get a good night’s rest—you’ll have to wake up early in order to get all the best deals!
- Wake the fuck up. It’s 2 a.m. You overslept.
- Drink a Red Bull.
- Drink another.
- Steal your cousin’s Porsche. It’ll get you to the mall faster.
- Throw a flash bang grenade into the store to disorient other customers. Steal their shit.
- Don’t stand in lines. Lines are for the weak.
- If your neighbor Theresa tries to steal that cute skirt you were eyeing, remind her that you’re the craziest motherfucker on the block and that you will literally cut her.
- Hurl insults and actual objects at other customers to weaken them mentally and physically to the point where they are unwilling to compete against you.
- Drive home in time to bring your daughter to her youth soccer game.
Image credit: Diariocritico de Venezuela/Flickr
© 2015
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