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A Comprehensive Guide to Black Friday Shopping

Shoppers throw 20 percent off knife sets at each others' Achilles tendons in order to get in the front of the line on Black Friday.
  1. Make a list. Your shopping will be more efficient if you know what you are going to buy beforehand!
  2. Hunt for some coupons online. It's always good to know the discounts before you go!
  3. Get a good night’s rest—you’ll have to wake up early in order to get all the best deals!
  4. Wake the fuck up. It’s 2 a.m. You overslept.
  5. Drink a Red Bull.
  6. Drink another.
  7. Steal your cousin’s Porsche. It’ll get you to the mall faster.
  8. Throw a flash bang grenade into the store to disorient other customers. Steal their shit.
  9. Don’t stand in lines. Lines are for the weak.
  10. If your neighbor Theresa tries to steal that cute skirt you were eyeing, remind her that you’re the craziest motherfucker on the block and that you will literally cut her.
  11. Hurl insults and actual objects at other customers to weaken them mentally and physically to the point where they are unwilling to compete against you.
  12. Drive home in time to bring your daughter to her youth soccer game.
Image credit: Diariocritico de Venezuela/Flickr


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