Tower of London, United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland – With Scottish voters having decisively voted “No” in the long anticipated referendum on independence, Scottish First Minister and leading independence advocate Alex Salmond has been transported in shackles to London and ritually disemboweled by members of the Queen's household guard. 

In his revolutionary one-paragraph candidacy statement released earlier this week, Undergraduate Council (UC) Freshman Representative candidate from Elm Yard, Tim Peterson, has unveiled a plan for the development of Scotland if the region votes to become an independent country.

Secret intelligence has come out that Forest Whitaker, who played Ugandan dictator Idi Amin in Kevin MacDonald’s “The Last King of Scotland” is now ready to be the actual king of Scotland. The film highlights Idi Amin’s somewhat incredibly weird liking of Scottish royalty and rebellion.

Loch Ness—Despite an abundance of misleading rumors and myths, the Loch Ness Monster is, indeed, still in the process of deciding whether to vote “Yes” or “No” on the referendum for Scottish independence.

           “I see both sides, I s’pose,” says the lake creature, whose first documented appearance is recorded in the 7th-century manuscript The Life of St. Columba. “Certainly, there’s a compelling argument to be made that Scotland as we know it will lose significant economic viability. On the other hand, though, no one around this loch likes the English.”

Edinburgh, Scotland—Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, wearing a traditional white thawb and an aqal headdress, addressed the press this morning to discuss his government’s preparations for independence pending the results of the September 18 referendum.