New York City, NY—The Prophet Elijah, a beloved traditional figure of the Jewish holiday of Passover and herald of the Messiah, reportedly had a little too much Manischewitz wine this Passover season, according to reports of Jewish families all over the United States and (to a lesser degree) Canada.

In a Satire V-NBC poll, the most common response to the question, “How would you describe the Prophet Elijah this year?” was “shwasted”. In contrast, in last year’s poll “serene” and “magnificent” tied for first place.

Following the announcement that he and wife Gwyneth Paltrow have decided to separate, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin revealed in an interview that the band’s most melancholy and wistful songs were metaphors for his 10-year long marriage to the actress. 

        Tampa, FL—Maria Bortsova, a visiting student at the University of South Florida’s College of Communications, was unsuccessful in her attempt during dinner last Friday to tell her host family about the organism that is currently feasting on her large intestine.

LOS ANGELES– With Kobe, Nash, Gasol, Young, Meeks, Blake, and Farmar, among others, missing games due to injuries this season, the Lakers’ record has dropped to a dismal 22-46. Around the league, commentators have blamed the team’s poor season on its injury troubles. But they are not the only ones who have taken notice.

William Clay Ford, Sr., the last surviving grandson of notable industrialist and car manufacturer Henry Ford, died in his sleep on March 9. Analysts have waited to release this information on the speediness and optimized productivity of his death for fear that someone else would die incredibly efficiently, perhaps long-time favorite, the ever-efficient German train system.

Undisclosed Location—Wanted Turkmenistani terrorist Adele Dazeem—who has spent the last twenty years living in the United States under the assumed name Idina Menzel—has fled the country following the revelation of her identity by John Travolta at last week’s Academy Awards, a Department of Homeland Security source has confirmed.

As Congress repeatedly arose in applause for the President’s State of the Union Address, Speaker of the House John Boehner remained seated. While some would point to his outspoken disagreement with Obama’s recent policies, reports showed that Boehner had a more important issue on his mind.

PITTSBURGH—Soon after the big game had ended and his only two friends had departed, John Rackly, 44, returned to his lonely and depressing life. Moments earlier, Rackly could be seen standing on his porch, waving his friends goodbye. “Bye Tom! Bye Phil!” he was reported calling as they drove into the night, his smile fading with the evening.