San Diego, CA: The Marshall family ceased all non-essential family functions today, following a shut down caused by the family's inability to agree on either a pepperoni or cheese pizza for delivery.

Under the shut down, signing of school permission slips, purchasing of food for the family's cat, trips to Grandma's house, and basic familial love will be suspended indefinitely.

"I'm sick of it," fumed Janet Marshall.  "My husband is pulling the same kind of brinksmanship that led to the family game night fiasco.  He needs stop holding this family hostage."

U.S. government agencies were ordered to close for the first time in more than 17 years after lawmakers stalemated over Republican efforts to block the Animal Calls Act (ACA).

President Obama's landmark bill - commonly referred to as ObamaCall - provides all American Citizens with the complete and absolute affirmation of the onomatopoetic sound made by or associated with a variety of woodland animals including all of the 12 species of Vulpes genus true foxes.

 After weeks of punishing rains, the great state of Colorado has finally had time to reflect on the disastrous floods that have killed at least ten residents. 

In the too-distant-to-be-relevant wake of the Edward Snowden NSA leak scandal, Department of Motor Vehicles employee Buddy Harcott has come forward to reveal secret information about his own employer. As the only news source that took him up on the offer, SatireV has exclusive coverage of these secrets. 

America, which has recently become “race-blind”, has been increasingly struggling to live a sighted life in a world that still seems pervaded by race. 

According to multiple sources, this past week has been particularly rough for race-blind America.

Spokane, Washington—Working out of a trailer in the woods a quarter-mile from I-90, 31-year-old Tracey Hopkins frantically attempted to draw a connection between the deadly Boeing 777 crash in San Francisco and the unfolding NSA scandal. Within minutes of hearing about the crash on Twitter, Hopkins had begun to listen in on dozens of HAM radio channels and dig through technology forums in order to find clues.

The NFL draft will begin tonight and continue throughout the weekend as teams enlist college athletes to join their ranks. Many American young men will spend the weekend with phone in hand, dreading the possibility of being drafted. One such athlete is Mark McGoverny, a tight end from Oklahoma State projected in most mock drafts to be selected by the Cardinals with the seventh pick, who says, "Have you seen the guys in the NFL? They're huge. I don't want to go out there and get decked for a team I don't believe in. When I was in college, they couldn't draft me.