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Local Warming Denier Doesn’t Think It’s Nice Day

Grand Rapids, MI—Resulting from his deeply held beliefs about the state of the climate, local warming denier David French, 29, doesn’t think it’s a nice day today. “I just don’t really think it’s that nice out,” he told reporters, “that’s my intuition, and no amount of scientific evidence will convince me otherwise.”

Paranoid Man Trying Desperately to Connect San Francisco Crash and NSA Scandal

Spokane, Washington—Working out of a trailer in the woods a quarter-mile from I-90, 31-year-old Tracey Hopkins frantically attempted to draw a connection between the deadly Boeing 777 crash in San Francisco and the unfolding NSA scandal. Within minutes of hearing about the crash on Twitter, Hopkins had begun to listen in on dozens of HAM radio channels and dig through technology forums in order to find clues.