Spokane, Washington—Working out of a trailer in the woods a quarter-mile from I-90, 31-year-old Tracey Hopkins frantically attempted to draw a connection between the deadly Boeing 777 crash in San Francisco and the unfolding NSA scandal. Within minutes of hearing about the crash on Twitter, Hopkins had begun to listen in on dozens of HAM radio channels and dig through technology forums in order to find clues. “I knew they were connected from the very beginning, the heat signatures from the initial explosion were consistent with the hidden self-destruct feature of the iPhone 4S, the NSA must have used PRISM to set one off remotely; the question then became, why? When I found out that Facebook executive Sheryl Sandberg had almost been on the flight I thought I had hit the jackpot, they were clearly trying to stop her from revealing something.”

            Hopkins’ later discovery that Sandberg had been outed as a shape shifting Reptilian months prior forced him to return to the drawing board. “The Overlords, as cruel as they are, would never turn on one of their own,” the man, who had not used a telephone since 1996 for fear of activating a mind-control chip implanted in his brain by government agents, assured reporters. Hopkins’ current operating assumption is that the crash was a cover for the transportation of an experimental chem-trail compound designed to make Americans forget the NSA even existed, but he cannot rule out the possibility that it was simply meant to distract him from finding the location of the REAL Edward Snowden.