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Millions of Americans Now Believe They Give a Shit About Soccer

"Oh, come on, ref. Give him a green card!"

MANAUS - Despite having little understanding of the rules and feeling uncomfortable with the lack of commercial breaks, millions of people throughout the United States now genuinely believe they give a fuck about soccer.

"I love America, so of course I love #USMNT too," wrote first-time die hard soccer fan Kevin Williams in an e-mail to Satire V. Williams noted "It was total bullshit that they gave Portugal five extra minutes to score that goal, they normally only give a minute or two," showing a clear lack of understanding for how injury time is added.

"I remember them showing that Donovan guy on the news a few years ago, but I guess we're doing ok without him, right?" said Allie Crown, who was sporting a Team USA jersey and face paint on Sunday. Although Crown was unable to come up with a name when asked who her favorite player was, she could recall that “our coach [Jurgen Klinsmann] is kinda dad cute.”

When asked about Cristiano Ronaldo, one of the world's most talented strikers who is currently playing through a knee injury which doctors have noted could end his career, David Lewis stated "That dude looks like a total pussy, I'm glad at least they didn't win.” Lewis then turned to his wife and asked why they don’t throw a flag when "offsides penalties" are called.

At press time, Mrs. Lewis was commenting on how dumb it is that only goalies can use their hands, reminding her husband that humans use their hands in everyday tasks like opening pickle jars and googling photos of the Italian National team.

© 2014