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Government Awards Hazard Pay to Lakers Players

An injured Steve Nash weighs the benefits of receiving government support with his fiscally conservative views

LOS ANGELES– With Kobe, Nash, Gasol, Young, Meeks, Blake, and Farmar, among others, missing games due to injuries this season, the Lakers’ record has dropped to a dismal 22-46. Around the league, commentators have blamed the team’s poor season on its injury troubles. But they are not the only ones who have taken notice.

The U.S. Department of Labor recently issued a $5,000 stipend to each Laker player as “hazard pay” for “damages in the workplace.” Citing labor code 13.65 (b), the stipend supports employees in industries with “hazardous working conditions,” where “injuries that prevent employees from working are common.” 

“It’s nice to know that the government has my back during this tough time,” said Kobe Bryant during a press conference. He went on to say that he will use the stipend to seek treatment for his knee, and the rest of his $49 million two-year contract will go towards putting food on the table for his family.

“You know, it’s also good to have less zeroes in your salary statement,” added Kobe. “Now that I get a 5 in that thousand’s place, it’s far less boring too look at.”

However, Lakers owners Jim and Jeanie Buss worried that the stipend will de-incentivize employees from producing the same amount of high-octane, posterizing dunks and stadium-raging buzzer beaters during the workday. “They may not punch in to the locker room on time or just stop showing up at all. And that’s not even mentioning the effects its already had on synergy in the work environment,” said Jeanie Buss.

In other NBA news, Commissioner David Stern awarded the NBA Championship to the Miami Heat yesterday, saying, “C’mon. We all know. Do we really need a playoffs this time?”


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