and entering

The Prophet Elijah Drank a Little too Much Wine this Passover Season

The Prophet Elijah--Mithrandir in Hebrew--figures prominently in Jewish liturgy and, according to lore, visits every Jewish house during Passover with his basket of magical fireworks.

New York City, NY—The Prophet Elijah, a beloved traditional figure of the Jewish holiday of Passover and herald of the Messiah, reportedly had a little too much Manischewitz wine this Passover season, according to reports of Jewish families all over the United States and (to a lesser degree) Canada.

In a Satire V-NBC poll, the most common response to the question, “How would you describe the Prophet Elijah this year?” was “shwasted”. In contrast, in last year’s poll “serene” and “magnificent” tied for first place.

“Usually, it’s my kids favorite part of the Seder,” said randomly selected Jewish woman Rachel Katzenburg. “It’s a magical feeling, when Elijah arrives invisibly and makes the wine disappear. They’re usually like, ‘Oh my God! Where did it go?’ And I say, ‘First of all, don’t use the Lord’s name in vain. Secondly, it’s Elijah!’”

This year, however, Elijah reportedly slouched in, splashed wine all over his ancient hemp robe, and made several insensitive remarks to Rachel’s African-American brother-in-law.

The Jewish figure, who ascended to heaven in a burning chariot during the reign of Ahab in the 9th century BCE after defeating the prophets of Baal, has had occasional problems in the past with holding his mass-produced kosher liquor. In 1922, he found himself in a shoot-out with Prohibition officers, maiming at least 20 members of the New York Police Department in what has become known as “The Eleventh Plague of Brooklyn”. In 1974, he invented disco.

But according to experts, 2014 has by far proven to be Elijah’s sloppiest year. “He was completely shit-faced,” said Harvard professor of religion Jamie Rubenfeld. “I think he even threw up a little bit on his cloak made from the wool of David’s flock, but he kept drinking.”

The prophet, whose experiences are catalogued in Kings I and II, was found on the side of Route 1 early in the morning, where he was told to go home.

© 2014