With the deadline for your thesis approaching quickly, here is some sound advice to help you make it through. This article should only take a few minutes to read, so you can get back to typing soon.  

1. Use the social life you have abandoned as source material.

Dear Hogwarts Community of Faculty, House Elves, and Students:

THE SKY -- After a 50-degree day followed a chlling weekend of below-zero temperatures, the Sun let off some steam and complained about Earth residents' whining.

“Frankly, it’s getting a little tiresome,” said the Sun, referring to mankind’s newfound tendency to glance nervously at the sky and make a lame joke about the perks of global warming instead of just enjoying the warmer day. In an exclusive interview with Satire V today, the bright center of the Solar System was visibly upset that no one was appreciating the warmer weather he had worked so hard on.

1. “Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?”

2. “The mask of perfection wears us down.”

3. “Who am I?”

4. “No-one knows who I am.”

5. “If I were truly to be myself, I would break my family’s heart.”

6. “You’ll die for honor.”

7. “We share the belief that we are here to do something together that none of us could do alone.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In anticipation of Valentine’s Day, Plain Bagel is now looking for the perfect breadstick to fill the hole in her heart.

Bagel’s high standards can be hard for a carb to rise to. “He can’t be too thick or too long, and he kneads to be okay with leaving traditional gender rolls behind,” expressed Bagel. “Also, it wouldn’t hurt if he loaves to jam. My ex-breadstick was always raisin the roof.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- With the rise in popularity of gluten-free products, many baked goods are struggling to maintain a positive self-image—and a local plain bagel is no exception. Although relatively successful in cafeterias and continental breakfasts everywhere, she has had a long history with low self-esteem, and in recent years this has only gotten worse.

HEAVEN – On Friday, God finally worked up the courage to ask a favorite resident of planet Earth to find a place for Him in her heart. After years of pursuit, His efforts were rewarded with a suggestion that they “just be friends.”

Placemat: This is for finding out how to talk about race with your families. Issues like racism are easily watered down to a placemat. 

1. "I eat nails when I wake up, then I have breakfast."
2. "Come on, you pansy!"
3. "These polls really don't matter."
4. " 'Tis but a scratch."
5. "I'm invincible!"
6. "I’ll come back and back and back."

By El Jefe

During my annual meeting with Drew Faust, I received a restaurant recommendation from DGF herself - El Jefe’s Taqueria. It was about time my influence made its way beyond the Dominican Republic! Flattered but not surprised by the namesake of the taco joint, I headed inside, my hopes as high as the Pico Duarte mountain. What could be wrong when your restaurant is named after the greatest visionary to ever live?