Listen up, geeks. We know you grown-ass doofuses love Harry Potter, so we threw together this personality quiz full of gibberish. Take it and shut up.

 

WASHINGTON, DC — Emitting a glass-shattering scream at the frequency of a dog-whistle and withering away into thousands of flakes of infected skin, White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was reportedly defeated today after Chief of Staff John F. Kelly located and destroyed his sixth and final horcrux.

 

"Curse you, wretched boy!" the former Breitbart News executive chair howled as Kelly plunged the fabled sword of Eisenhower into Bannon's metaphorical pet serpent, It's-About-Heritage-Not-Hate. "I should have destroyed you when I had the chance!"

By J.K. Rowling

 

Last week, I announced that the script of my new play "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child"- the eighth installment in the Harry Potter series- will be released as a two-part book on July 31, 2016. Today, I am announcing that you must give me your money.

 

Seriously, just give it to me. If you send me an email, I'll even forward you my bank account number so we can set up some kind of direct deposit thing. How much do I want? Just give me whatever you think I deserve.