By J.K. Rowling

 

Last week, I announced that the script of my new play "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child"- the eighth installment in the Harry Potter series- will be released as a two-part book on July 31, 2016. Today, I am announcing that you must give me your money.

 

Seriously, just give it to me. If you send me an email, I'll even forward you my bank account number so we can set up some kind of direct deposit thing. How much do I want? Just give me whatever you think I deserve.

 

I know some of you are anxious to find out what the plot of this new story is. Does Harry struggle to adapt to the trials of married life? Do his kids disappoint him at every turn? Sure, why not. Just send cash or checks to J.K. Rowling c/o Bloomsbury Publishing, Place 38 Soho Square, London, W1D 3HB, United Kingdom. I accept all forms of legal tender, except those goddamn replica Galleons.

 

I made up some more words for you, too. Do you know what a Fleezlebump is? You can't possibly know- I just made it up right now. But now you're wondering what it is, aren't you? If so, head to your local bookstore this July, throw whatever money you have at the cashier, and buy as many copies as you like.

 

Everyone knows, though, that if you're a true fan you'll fly to London to see the play in person. You can stay at the Harry Potter-themed hotel they're building next to the theater, and you can have your fill of Batterbeer or whatever. Did you hear that a black actress is playing Hermione? I'm not saying that if you don't come you're racist, but that's kind of what I'm saying.

 

So there you have it. I'll talk to you again another ten years down the road or so. Until then, allow me to take you on another magical journey- from your wallet to my bank account.