WASHINGTON, DC — Emitting a glass-shattering scream at the frequency of a dog-whistle and withering away into thousands of flakes of infected skin, White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was reportedly defeated today after Chief of Staff John F. Kelly located and destroyed his sixth and final horcrux.

 

"Curse you, wretched boy!" the former Breitbart News executive chair howled as Kelly plunged the fabled sword of Eisenhower into Bannon's metaphorical pet serpent, It's-About-Heritage-Not-Hate. "I should have destroyed you when I had the chance!"

 

By defeating the final seventh of Bannon's soul, Kelly completed a process begun several years earlier when he tore apart a copy of The Clash of Civilizations with an eagle talon. Since then, he and other principled conservatives had managed to track down and dispose of Charles Lindbergh's cup, the Ford family locket, Bull Connor's ring, and the diadem of Pat Buchanan, all artifacts of American fascism with which Bannon had sought to make himself immortal.

 

Celebrations were sadly short-lived, however, as it was discovered that Bannon accidentally turned Kelly into a seventh horcrux on the fateful night when he murdered the Republican Party.