Cup: This is for covering your ears when people at the table begin to speak about race.

 

Fork: This is for picking up food and eating it. To use, insert it into a piece of food, like broccoli. Then direct it to your own mouth. Here's the hard part—you have to insert the fork far enough into your mouth so that the food reaches your teeth, but not so far that you stab yourself in the tonsils. Alternately, if people start speaking about race, you can wave it in front of their face and say, "Ooh, look at my fancy fork!"

 

Spoon: This is for scooping liquid-food mixtures, like cereal or soup. (Note: in Harvard dining halls, this is the sharpest piece of silverware, which has wounded many an unaware freshman.) At home, you can also use it to quickly pour boiling hot chicken broth on your pants, so that you can excuse yourself whenever Yale student protests come up in a conversation.

 

Napkin: This is to gently dab at your face and the corners of your mouth whenever you fail to place all of your food behind your teeth (see "Fork"). You can also drape it in front of your face and pretend that you don't exist when family members or friends from high school begin to speak about affirmative action.

 

Plate: This is where you put your food. Be sure not to pile too much food onto your plate—otherwise, you'll look like you're stuffing yourself, and it will be harder to pick up the plate and fling it like a frisbee whenever someone begins a sentence with "The thing about police violence is ..."