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Republicans Justify Global Warming

The Republican Party has switched tactics in the debate on global warming, shifting from a stance of denial to enthusiastic acceptance. "It's time for icebergs to pay for their outright terrorism against American citizens on that fateful morning of 1912," said a spokesperson yesterday. "One of their kind performed a cowardly act of aggression while submerged in the ocean, sinking the R.M.S. Titanic and ending hundreds of American lives. We are announcing a comprehensive plan to increase greenhouse emissions and melt down every last iceberg."

Obama Victory Robs Obama Supporter of Purpose

After spending his days watching CNN, reading political blogs, and actually meeting the man himself, even if only once, Alan Donahue, a former middle school English teacher, is utterly bored and purposeless now that Barack Obama is America's president.
"I was so excited when he won. That is, when we won," says Alan. "I was celebrating with all of my friends and got so excited that I got drunk. Well, I was actually alone, but I was still pretty drunk. Barack's election was still really exciting though."

IHOP Resists Apple Takeover

The International House of Pancakes has released a statement rejecting the proposed takeover by Apple Computers, appearing to halt Apple CEO Steve Jobs' obsession with controlling all things beginning with i. IHOP president Julia Stewart noted, "The deal pretty much came down to the customers' objections to an Apple/IHOP product. General consensus seemed to be that our famous pancakes would be compressed into miniscule, albeit tasty, samples.

Six Trillion Dollar Solution

The desperate state of America's economy was entirely repaired last night when Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke found six trillion dollars crumpled up beneath the cushions of his couch. The money was discovered when Bernanke attempted to retrieve a fallen peanut two hours into a Rush Hour marathon on TBS. Heroically overcoming the fear that the Dr.

7-Eleven Wins "Most Robbable" Award

In a recent survey of prison inmates, the 24 hour convenience store 7-Eleven was named most popular to rob, edging CVS for the top spot for the famed "Golden Cash Register" Award.

Respondents cited its convenience, the overall "chill" attitude of workers, and the "sex-appeal" of the 7-Eleven brand. Several respondents added personal comments. One said, "It's not their first time being robbed, they know the drill."

Al Gore Blames Global Warming On Hot Babes

At a recent sustainability talk given to Harvard students, Al Gore stressed the deleterious effect of hot babes on global warming. Said the former VP, "Bodacious babes emanate the same greenhouse gases that ultimately contribute to global warming, and drastic measures need to be initiated at all costs to ensure that these blazing hotties keep their clothes on at all times."

Homeless Man Claims Obama Stole his Message of Change

Though he is popular among voters,
Barack Obama has recently come under blistering attack by area homeless
man Joe Gibbons.

Barack Obama has stolen my message of change,' complained Gibbons
from his favorite Harvard Square hotspot - just outside CVS. 'The fact is, I've been asking for change since I was' hold on a second, HEY LADY! SPARE CHANGE?' Gibbons yelled as he held out his Dunkin' Donuts cup to the most recent customer to exit CVS.

Knicks Fans Blame Isiah Thomas for Mortgage Crisis

Coping with a losing record and a growing home mortgage crisis, New York Knicks fans are blaming head coach Isiah Thomas for their misfortune.

"He can't manage the salary cap, he can't win a game, and he can't even get away with sexual harassment," lamented
one fan. "Clearly, if the mortgage
crisis is anyone's fault, it's his."

Thomas, who has led the team to five straight losing seasons, tried to downplay the accusations of his misconduct.

Hollywood Waiter Out of Work

Two months ago, Tommy Ballard
moved to California to fulfill his dream of waiting tables in Hollywood.
But after applying to every restaurant from La Bella Fica Italiana
to Dougie's Burrito Shack, Ballard
discovered just how hard it is to break into the market.

"It's all about who you know," he laments. "I have an MFA in garnish
studies and napkin origami, but Fred-the-dumbass gets the job because he's the chef's Coca-Cola connection."

Jews Grudgingly Admit, Apocalypto "Pretty Good"

NEW YORK, NY — Despite calls for boycott after Mel Gibson’s drunken
diatribe against the Jews, members of the Jewish community have had to grudgingly admit that Gibson’s “Apocolyptico” was actually pretty good. “I mean, I guess that part where that jaguar fights the guy wasn’t bad,” said lawyer and Jew, Stephen Kofax. “It was a bit violent, over all; I’m no huge fan of gore, but I guess I was entertained
the whole way through.”