"

There is going to be more food to share these holidays, following the abrupt
announcement of your father, who has since tendered his paternal resignation and
will take a new job with his secretary. 

Writing with magnetic letters on your
fridge, your Dad wrote, ""After dutifully serving as your father, it is with deep
regret to inform you that I will no longer.  From here on out, I'm with Laverne,
my secretary."" 

Residents of Punxsutawney are familiar with mysterious
animal behaviors, sharing their town with the veritable Nostradamus of animals,
groundhog Punxsutawney Phil. Commonly referred to as ""the seer of seers and the
prognosticator of prognosticators"" and ""a reincarnated witch from the early
17th century,"" Phil is no longer alone in his mysterious ways.""Oh, everyone thinks they're cute. Not so cute when you see
them carrying a person's head, though, huh? There's more to them than that Miley

In a recent turn of events, Commander Bill Stone has come to
the conclusion that he did indeed, lock the shuttle keys inside the rocket. ""I
knew I had them a second ago,"" the commander muttered as he rooted through his
pockets. ""But I can't figure out what I did with them. I guess they must be in
my other spacesuit.""

I remember growing up as an (Irish Immigrant/AfricanAmerican/Latino/Navajo/Asian
American) child during the (Great Depression/Civil Rights era/war). Back in
those days we didn't have much, just an infinitesimal house in (rural
America/the city/Chinatown). On some lazy afternoons, I used to sit on the
(front porch/kitchen counter/bed my eight siblings and I shared) and think about
the children playing in the (word from another language, italicized) and how
happy they were. I was always getting in trouble at school because I would (draw

Molly O'Monahan, a mean eight years old, didn't want the new Hannah Montana
Young Ladies Bra for Christmas this year. She didn't want Guitar Hero 27. She
didn't even want a pony. She just wanted to get her recently divorced father
back. Santa has been unable to deliver.

Not all hope was lost for Bertha Rinskertang after she failed to hang herself  and accidentally fell off a 30 story building into a rusty junkyard. Indeed, the 14 year-old aspiring actress may posthumously get the fame she craved now that  the Lifetime Network has announced their intentions to create a movie in honor  of her tragic and unexpectedly pathetic death.

"

Influential science fiction
writer Michael Crichton will be preserved in amber, sources close to the
Crichton family said yesterday.