and entering


Congress Celebrates "Bring Your Mistress to Work Day"

Following a 200-year
tradition, Congress celebrated its annual "Bring Your Mistress to Work Day"
yesterday. Congressmen arrived in style, including Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY),
who rolled up to the steps of the Capitol in a limo and emerged with a woman on
each arm.

9/11 Truth Guys Not Sure Who Has Truth Anymore


For years now, Harvard students have been
sure of one thing: the American public does not know the truth about 9/11. While
the US government and media did a good job of covering up the truth around the
country, they missed one crucial bastion of veritas: the outside of the
Science Center. And yet there is new controversy in the world of 9/11 truth: Jim
Hunter and Thomas Manson, the two 9/11 truth guys who camp out outside the
Science Center, are no longer certain which of them really knows the

Dad Resigns from Position to Take Job with Secretary


There is going to be more food to share these holidays, following the abrupt
announcement of your father, who has since tendered his paternal resignation and
will take a new job with his secretary. 

Writing with magnetic letters on your
fridge, your Dad wrote, ""After dutifully serving as your father, it is with deep
regret to inform you that I will no longer.  From here on out, I'm with Laverne,
my secretary."" 

Squirrels Bury Human Skull Next to Chestnuts

Residents of Punxsutawney are familiar with mysterious
animal behaviors, sharing their town with the veritable Nostradamus of animals,
groundhog Punxsutawney Phil. Commonly referred to as ""the seer of seers and the
prognosticator of prognosticators"" and ""a reincarnated witch from the early
17th century,"" Phil is no longer alone in his mysterious ways.""Oh, everyone thinks they're cute. Not so cute when you see
them carrying a person's head, though, huh? There's more to them than that Miley

Astronaut Locks Keys Inside Shuttle

In a recent turn of events, Commander Bill Stone has come to
the conclusion that he did indeed, lock the shuttle keys inside the rocket. ""I
knew I had them a second ago,"" the commander muttered as he rooted through his
pockets. ""But I can't figure out what I did with them. I guess they must be in
my other spacesuit.""

College Board Releases SAT Reading Passage Formula

I remember growing up as an (Irish Immigrant/AfricanAmerican/Latino/Navajo/Asian
American) child during the (Great Depression/Civil Rights era/war). Back in
those days we didn't have much, just an infinitesimal house in (rural
America/the city/Chinatown). On some lazy afternoons, I used to sit on the
(front porch/kitchen counter/bed my eight siblings and I shared) and think about
the children playing in the (word from another language, italicized) and how
happy they were. I was always getting in trouble at school because I would (draw

Santa Unable to Bring Back Daddy

Molly O'Monahan, a mean eight years old, didn't want the new Hannah Montana
Young Ladies Bra for Christmas this year. She didn't want Guitar Hero 27. She
didn't even want a pony. She just wanted to get her recently divorced father
back. Santa has been unable to deliver.

Tragic Death Inspires New Lifetime Movie

Not all hope was lost for Bertha Rinskertang after she failed to hang herself  and accidentally fell off a 30 story building into a rusty junkyard. Indeed, the 14 year-old aspiring actress may posthumously get the fame she craved now that  the Lifetime Network has announced their intentions to create a movie in honor  of her tragic and unexpectedly pathetic death.

Michael Crichton Preserved in Amber


Influential science fiction
writer Michael Crichton will be preserved in amber, sources close to the
Crichton family said yesterday.

Scientology Brings Suit Against Producers of Battlestar Galactica

The Church of Scientology has brought suit in Los Angeles's 9th Circuit Court against the science fiction hit "Battlestar Galactica," citing high level "crazy space shit" as "clear and persistent infringement of copyrighted intellectual property." The Church also cites "awesome fucking laser cannons" that come directly from trademarked thetan reduction procedures.