DES MOINES, IA – The second Democratic presidential debate took place this Saturday evening, drawing a total of three viewers from within the coveted 18-49 demographic who were actually home at 9 pm. 

Recent allegations have surfaced that I am not tough. Ask anyone who really knows me though and you’ll hear the truth: I’m the hardest, meanest son of a gun ever to walk this earth.

I’ve always had a “don’t mess with me” attitude. In seventh grade I once fought a kid and beat him up so bad that he moved to another country where he can never be located or contacted or anything so don’t try to find him because you won’t be able to. No one saw it, but it happened. And I swear to God if he shows his face again I’ll send him to another solar system.

LOS ANGELES, CA -– Ten minutes ago, Netflix released a statement saying that it plans to create a new series called School, which will follow the lives of five socially awkward teenagers played by full-grown adults as they navigate topical social issues in a progressive yet relatable manner. Five minutes later, Netflix announced that cast members of School who have not successfully transitioned from TV to film will return for a highly-anticipated revival series – More School – set to air after a post-finale mourning period of an appropriate length.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT--In a statement released to leaders in the community last Thursday, the gay community has solidified its policy on the Mormon Church. The community, while historically anti-Mormon, has come out in a shocking new statement that children born in a Mormon household may not receive a gay blessing or be gay baptized until they are 18. The community further stipulated that these children would have to formally denounce Mormonism.

BOULDER, COLORADO—Reporting that he’d really hoped they could make it to this one, particularly since they missed his last two press conferences, fourteenth-place presidential candidate George Pataki appeared to be searching the audience at the Republican Party’s “undercard” debate for his mom and dad, who had both promised to come see him.

“I even told them I’d be on the left half of the stage,” the former New York Governor announced, his voice faltering as he surveyed the unsmiling crowd at the Coors Events Center.

TORONTO, ONTARIO: University of Toronto researchers have discovered that despite the commonly held belief that "when that hotline bling/that can only mean one thing," a blinging hotline could in fact signify one of many different things.

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Following the conclusion of his announcement not to run for President in 2016, Vice President Joe Biden left the White House Rose Garden, entered an unmarked car, and silently drove away to an undisclosed location. From there, he walked seven blocks, stopped, looked both ways to make sure no one was following him, and turned into a dimly lit parking garage. At the end of a bleak row of empty parking spots stood a shadowy figure waiting for Biden’s arrival.

“Is it done?” asked the mysterious person.

WASHINGTON, D.C. ­– Unable to suppress her excitement, a giddy Secretary Hillary Clinton sat before the Select Committee on Benghazi Thursday to give a testimony once again on the September 11, 2012 attacks, a day after Vice President Joe Biden announced that he would not seek the 2016 Democratic nomination for President. On Thursday morning, Clinton was dropped off at the site of the hearing by a party bus rented just the night before.

WASHINGTON, D.C — Earlier today, Rep. Paul Ryan told House Republicans that he is willing to serve as Speaker of the House, but only on his terms. A leaked list of his demands confirms that the Wisconsin representative does indeed want the support of every GOP bloc, but that is the least of his concerns. Satire V obtained an exclusive copy of Ryan's list of demands.