After returning home early this morning following the Iowa caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush softly used a magnet to adorn his refrigerator with a blue ribbon simply labeled: “PARTICIPANT.”  

CHICAGO, IL— In response to a recent viral Facebook post that has triggered ongoing debate about the proper way for a dog to wear pants, local resident and social justice enthusiast Bobby Ridder has taken to the streets to prove what he believes to be the correct answer.

“I had to take a stand,” said the avid four legged pant supporter. “Ever since I was right about that blue and black dress, I consider it my civic duty to prove what I know to be true.”

LINCOLNSHIRE, IL—Calamity and chaos reign supreme in the McDaniels family living room, as the return of the household’s toy soldiers from the basement—prompted by the arrival of the Louisville McDanielses and their seven-year-old son Thomas—has led to an all-out war between six-inch-tall plastic Nazis and six-inch-tall plastic cowboys.

HIDDEN HILLS, CA—In a display of benevolence that is attracting pilgrims from as far afield as Brentwood and Malibu, Saint West, the son of Kimye and patron saint of celebrity rags, has officially blessed People magazine with his exclusive first photo shoot.

Following the Pentagon’s historic decision on Thursday to open all combat jobs in the military to women, men in the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force expressed their fear that the presence of women would force them to put the toilet seat down after using the bathroom.

In an effort to provide new fashion accessories for supporters, Donald Trump’s campaign announced Tuesday that it was introducing new “Make America Great Again!” armbands.

“We’ve been going all over the country, and people have been asking us, ‘How can we get involved? How can we show that we think Mr. Trump is the man America needs?’” said campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. “And we realized that no one has ever tried armbands before! No one. It’s an amazing opportunity!"

After careful consideration, Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced yesterday that the recipient of his $45 billion donation will be deadweight loss triangles.

A student of Ec 10 in his freshman year at Harvard, Zuckerberg was reportedly deeply affected by the shaded triangles which represent economic inefficiency on graphs of supply and demand. “I can’t take it anymore—no trade should have to go unexploited like that. It’s just plain cruel,” said the internet tycoon.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK–Miss Nicole of the Oklahoma Wesleyan Montessori School has come out strong against the politically correct culture prominent in Preschools across the nation.  “Listen up you precocious brats, just because Brian called Samantha a Poopy Head doesn’t mean he’s a misogynist piglet,” Miss Nicole reportedly told her class during snack time early Tuesday morning.  “You all need to get a thicker skin.”