By Former GOP Congressman Aaron Schock

Yes, I made out with a man at Coachella yesterday. Yes, I have been quietly bringing twinks to my apartment in DC for years. Yes, I spent my anti-LGBT campaign contributions on luxurious late-night dates with young men and overpriced tickets to Katy Perry. But before you pass judgment, just remember one thing: I voted against gay marriage, so I can’t be gay. It’s not gay if you vote against LGBT rights, bro.

BRUNSWICK BOWLING LANES, LOWELL MA — Still hot off the disappointment of Lady Gaga’s Joanne and desperate for any object to look up to, gay millennials across the nation have started a fandom that worships a size 8 pink bowling ball in a blonde wig as their new icon.

TWITTER — In the past week, Frozen fans have started a campaign on twitter asking Disney to #GiveElsaAGirlfriend in Frozen 2. I applaud and fully support this campaign to make Elsa the first lesbian princess. However, I believe it does not go far enough, which is why I am calling on Disney to #GiveMeAGirlfriend.

SALT LAKE CITY, UT--In a statement released to leaders in the community last Thursday, the gay community has solidified its policy on the Mormon Church. The community, while historically anti-Mormon, has come out in a shocking new statement that children born in a Mormon household may not receive a gay blessing or be gay baptized until they are 18. The community further stipulated that these children would have to formally denounce Mormonism.

After years of deliberation, the White Straight Men of the United States have announced their willingness to collaborate and share resources with the White Gay Men of the United States. Although the two groups have experienced tensions in the past, members of the former WSMUS have expressed regret for their past actions noting that progress is “inevitable.” Both groups have expressed optimism for the joint venture, which will henceforth be known as White Men Unltd.