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White Straight Men Announce Merger With White Gay Men

After years of deliberation, the White Straight Men of the United States have announced their willingness to collaborate and share resources with the White Gay Men of the United States. Although the two groups have experienced tensions in the past, members of the former WSMUS have expressed regret for their past actions noting that progress is “inevitable.” Both groups have expressed optimism for the joint venture, which will henceforth be known as White Men Unltd.

The former WSMUS president, Sterling Snow, gave an emotional speech to mark the occasion, saying, “It shouldn’t matter if you were born with a penis in Portland or born with a penis in Minneapolis,” a remark that was greeted with shouts of enthusiastic approval from the audience. “Heck!” continued Snow, picking up speed, “There should be no difference between the way we treat a guy who wants to marry a girl in Cincinnati and a couple of guys who want to tie the knot in Detroit!” While this remark initially received only a smattering of applause, once Snow clarified that he meant “Like in the suburbs! Like Grosse Pointe!” the crowd rose to give him a standing ovation.

Former WGMUS President, Jon “Jonathan” LeBlanc, credits much of the progress to increasing positive representations of white gay men in the media. “You really can’t underestimate the impact of Brokeback Mountain,” he explained. “I think seeing two Caucasian men love each other with that much passion was really powerful for a lot of people.” LeBlanc believes that media was transformative because it showed that white gay men and white straight men share the same core values. “At the end of the day we all want the same things. We all just want love! Preferably with someone who looks like us, you know what I’m saying? Not like as a requirement obviously, but is it that wrong to have a preference?”

As their first official act, the group released a photo of the newly integrated White Men Unltd. boardroom. Although, to an untrained eye, the picture is virtually identical to years past, many members of the WMU brushed a tear from their eyes at its unveiling. As longtime member Stefan Ash points out, the picture was taken shortly after he became engaged to CEO Peter Ivory, and they were allowed to pose holding hands. To gay and straight members alike, the photo represents a long-awaited dream come true: white male hands clasped in harmony.

At press time, merger talks with the Straight Black Men of the United States, Gay Black Men of the United States and League of American Women remain indefinitely stalled.

© 2014