WASHINGTON, D.C — Earlier today, Rep. Paul Ryan told House Republicans that he is willing to serve as Speaker of the House, but only on his terms. A leaked list of his demands confirms that the Wisconsin representative does indeed want the support of every GOP bloc, but that is the least of his concerns. Satire V obtained an exclusive copy of Ryan's list of demands.
"Firstly, I want gum," the printout reads in bolded, italicized, and yellow Comic Sans font. "Not just a stick of gum-- the whole pack. If a single piece is missing or even bent, you can just start heading toward RadioShack, because you're gonna need a new speaker."
"Next, I want family time," the memo continues. "I want all of you to interact with my family. That means recitals, Mother's Day, and Easter. No more ignoring my kids when they're trying to show you their yo-yo tricks. Those are damned good tricks, and you're gonna watch them."
"Third, everyone must give me friendly backrubs when they see me and say 'Hey there, buddy!' in every greeting. Even the women." Ryan added, "Or else."
