Sean Penn arrived at the JFK Jr. Forum at the Harvard Institute of Politics on February 26, haggard-looking and beet-red, explaining to the stunned audience that he had just escaped Willy Wonka’s hellish Chocolate Factory. These comments mark the third event in an increasing feud between the Academy Award-winning actor and the famed chocolatier.

Harvard University Dining Services is once again preparing for an anticipated increase in the demand for hot dogs on February 14. The annual phenomenon, occurring yearly on Valentine’s Day, generally sees the College’s various eateries go through nearly a ton of hot dogs, with Annenburg alone going through several thousand. Although the typical undergraduate seems to take only two at a time, there have been reports of students furtively carrying as many as four or five out of the dining halls. 

On Tuesday, Harvard ecologist Daniel Beterman completed a five-year study mapping the migration patterns of the string fencing in the yard. The study yielded some incredible findings.

“Using aerial camera technology, we found that the yard links form the shape of a large middle finger that, as the seasons progress, points at different freshman dorms,” said Beterman.

 “Freshmen are often frustrated because the shifts in the link patterns disrupt their walking routes. So, we don’t think this offensive pattern is a random occurrence.”

Brian Pollack, a freshman living in Stoughton, announced today that he was lifting his self-imposed ban on masturbating in the room he shares with fellow freshman Eric Johnson. Sources have confirmed that Pollack's newfound self-assurance stems from his improved grasp on Johnson’s habits and class schedule.