Harvard students gathered outside University Hall yesterday to protest the news that the Harvard College Office of admissions has been using an affirmative action program that favors better looking female applicants.

In a press release last week, Dean of Admissions William Fitzsimmons confirmed that Harvard College had indeed been taking female applicants' attractiveness into account.

Though GPAs have shown a steady increase over the past ten years, students throughout Harvard University were thrown into shock over recent reports that Daniel Woods, a junior concentrating in Economics, received a B- in his econometrics class.

A joint study conducted by a team of researchers at Dunster Happy Hour and a Party in New Quincy Thrown by That Guy Who Talks a Lot in Section has found that approximately 6 out of every 5 males at Harvard are homosexual.

Lead researcher Rachel Garcia said that these results only confirm what many in the Harvard social community had already expected."We had noticed an unusually high incidence of homosexuality on campus," Garcia explained, "so we wanted to run a controlled experiment to calculate a more precise 'gay rate.'"

In a recent development that continues to baffle leading math experts across the nation, Harvard student groups have exhausted all possible acronymous combinations.

The discovery was made when the newest student group, Indian-Croatians for Athletic Equality tried to officially register their organization, only to find that the acronym ICAE was already in use by another student group, the always controversial Immigration Control for All Ethnicities.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In what was considered Satire V's biggest celebrity catch to date, rap artist Afroman agreed to host a roundtable regarding the legalization of marijuana. Subsequent to the agreement, however, Satire V suffered its biggest celebrity loss when Afroman elected to get high instead of come to Harvard. "We should have expected this," said astute freshman Jeremy Patashnik. "I heard a story about how one time he was going to go to class. But then he got high." Patashnik continued in disbelief, "He could have cheated and passed, but he got high. It just doesn't make sense."

Following Freeze Magazine's Mr. Harvard Freshman contest, the publication set out to find Mr. Harvard Douche, the Harvard undergrad who best exemplified the traits consistent with douchebaggery. The magazine staff conducted painstakingly long one-on-one interviews with all of the candidates, who were considered to be douches for various reasons, including disinterest in hooking up with members of Freeze's staff.

In response to the
economic downturn and the corresponding decrease in the Harvard
endowment, the Harvard Faculty of Arts and Sciences has decided to
phase out education. All 28,675 applicants for the Harvard Class of
2013 have summarily been rejected. Harvard will however continue in
the more profitable businesses of prostitution, drug dealing, and
babysitting.

Chris Colman '10 crossed the Charles River, heading for the
recycling center. But when he accidentally entered Harvard Stadium, he found
himself surrounded by a whole different type of garbage.

"I was looking for a couch for my common room,"" remarked
Chris, "but I guess I made a wrong turn. It was a total accident." An "accident"
that has ignited a sense of purpose in over a dozen Harvard College athletic
teams and clubs.

A Harvard study has found that 25% of Harvard students quit
by year's end. Approximately 1600 students will quit school this year.

"Numbers don't lie," explained head researcher Stephan
Porter. "These quitters have no respect for something that has let them suckle
at the teat of learning for the past four years."

In a newly discovered theorem, Harvard math professor Noam
Elkies has found that Bill O'Reilly, host of the widely respected Fox News
program The O'Reilly Factor, is not factorable.