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Parents

Student's Gratitude to Parents Lasts Record 22 Hours

ST. LOUIS, MO — After a record 22 hours of gratitude, Brandon L. Peters ’20 has returned to being deeply ungrateful for everything his parents have done for him.

“God, all that thankfulness was exhausting,” said Peters, lying on the couch that his mother purchased, eating the leftovers that his father cooked, and reclining under the blanket that his mother knitted. “I’m just relieved that this is only a once-a-year thing.”

Enraged Area Parents Boycott Grocery Store After Cataclysmic Floor Plan Shakeup

SUNNY SPRINGS, VT — A cloud of chaos has been cast over the once sleepy suburb of Sunny Springs as Uncle Sam’s Supermarket blindsided its shoppers today with an earth-shattering decision to change the store’s floor plan. Refusing to sit idly by as their town plunges into darkness, angry local parents decided to boycott the supermarket and form picket lines in front of the family establishment.

Storeowner ‘Uncle’ Sam Sims offered his rationale for the change. “All I did was rearrange a few aisles and expand the greeting card section. I don’t get it.”

Your Parents Like Me More Than You

 

By Your Best Friend

 

It’s taken me a long time to feel like I could bring this up, but now that I’m your best friend I feel like we should be able to talk about this sort of thing. Your parents definitely like me more than you. I don't know why, but I think it probably has something to do with my superior table manners, or maybe the way I always inquire about their days. Something about their supportive and approving comments just brings out the best in me. 

 

Junior Parents Weekend: Roommate’s Parents Still Divorced

After two years of rooming with Jason C. Lambert, David T. Wang was disappointed to learn that Lambert’s parents were still divorced.

“I was hoping that Todd [Lambert] and Lizzy [also Lambert, uncomfortably] would have worked their issues out by now,” said Wang, who first met the Lamberts moving in freshman year. The couple, Wang recalls, had fought about whether or not to buy Jason a minifridge, which ended with both screaming and tears.