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Sean Penn Narrowly Escapes Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory With Only Minor Skin Discoloration

Sean Penn arrived at the JFK Jr. Forum at the Harvard Institute of Politics on February 26, haggard-looking and beet-red, explaining to the stunned audience that he had just escaped Willy Wonka’s hellish Chocolate Factory. These comments mark the third event in an increasing feud between the Academy Award-winning actor and the famed chocolatier. In December, Penn sued Wonka over his new Everlasting Gobstopper recipe, which, according to the actor, did not last forever. “I sucked on it for at least fifty hours,” he said. (This paper would also like to add that that’s what she said.) “And when I finally took it out, it was definitely smaller. Definitely.”

Then, at a New Year’s Eve party at the home of Whoopi Goldberg (a mutual friend), the two got into a brawl. Another partygoer stated that the fight began when Wonka said that he thought Milk was just okay. The third altercation is by far the most notable. Penn said in an interview after the Forum that Wonka had invited him to his factory, along with four other children. Apparently, after one of the children had mysteriously disappeared, Wonka invited them on what Penn calls “a twisted boat ride from hell that finally ended in some sort of demented workshop”. Then, “Wonka forced a piece of gum into my mouth, and I turned into a tomato. I literally blew up into a sphere and turned red. A tomato.”Doctors expect the skin discoloration to remain for weeks. Until then, Penn says, he will remain in his apartment, reading Roald Dahl books and looking at the Facebook page of his ex-wife (Robin Wright, that woman who was Jenny in Forrest Gump andButtercup in The Princess Bride. How can you divorce Jenny and Princess Buttercup? How?)

However, reported the Harvard Crimson, Penn spent most of his time at the Forum talking about problems in Haiti, or something like that.