WASHINGTON – Barron Trump, son of President Donald Trump, and White House butler Reginald Yarmouth teamed up for an exciting adventure today.

“Master Barron, this is much too risky. When your father hears about this—” said Yarmouth before being cut off by the youngest Trump.

“Come on Reginald! Don’t you want to see what’s behind that secret door in the Lincoln bedroom? It will only take a couple seconds I swear!”

WASHINGTON — In a pawesome display of feline solidarity, thousands of cats marched this Saturday in the Pussies’ Catwalk on Washington, protesting the inclawguration of President Donald J. Rump.

Swarming the nation’s catitol in unprecedented numbers, felines of all shapes and sizes carried homemade signs as they pranced through the city—“A Pussy’s Place Is in the Mouse and the Senate,” “Don’t Grab Me By the Me,” “Only Scaredy-Cats Fear Pussies,” “We’ve Strayed Too Fur,” "The Future Is Feline."

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard postdoc and undocumented immigrant Juan Rivera has made waves in the political and mathematical worlds by proving his right to remain in the country without US citizenship. In his paper, Rivera argues that the proof against his deportation “is trivial and left to the reader as an exercise in empathy and humanity." 

So your country has snagged itself a new democratically elected president. Congratulations! However, you’re worried that he might actually be a dictator. Uh oh! Here are nine foolproof ways to tell if your democratically elected president is actually an autocrat:

1) He’s stopped initiating press conferences. During the campaign, your democratically elected president was constantly initiating press conferences. Now he’s retreated to his luxury Manhattan apartment and only communicates with the press via Twitter. That sounds like a dictatorial dealbreaker!

NEW YORK, NY -- After a physical examination early Thursday morning in which Dr. Harold N. Bornstein M.D., Donald J. Trump’s physician, watched the President-elect cough up blood and eat three Big Macs on his exam table, Bornstein today released the following statement: “Donald Trump is the healthiest man alive. He is in perfect shape. I’ve never seen a healthier man in my life.”

WASHINGTON — Earlier this morning, the Pectoral College declared Arnold Schwarzenegger the winner of its quadrennial “Bro-mander in Chief” award, given every four years to the best bodybuilder in America. The College, an illustrious body of 538 expert judges, had spent over a month weighing the decision carefully. Ultimately, the College concluded that Schwarzenegger had the strength and stamina necessary to become the leader of the free-weight world, citing his extensive experience in the House of Reps.

CHARLESTON, SC--The nation united in shock and horror today after a Charleston County jury found white supremacist Dylann Roof guilty on thirty-three federal hate crimes charges. Such a display of competence and of respect for black lives that has irreparably shaken Americans' faith in their legal system's ability to utterly fuck things up.

LA JOLLA, CA--Fading out of the public eye after press reports linked Rex Tillerson to the position of Secretary of State, 2012 presidential candidate and former Never Trumper Mitt Romney has announced his joy that future historians may, in fact, still view him as a hero.

"For a while there, after that whole dinner photo thing, I was seriously worried future generations might view me as another sellout," the former Massachusetts overnor who still could be respected by our descendants confirmed to reporters.