CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a controversial statement issued to the Harvard community last night over email, Dean of Administration Leslie Kirwan outlined that, despite an imminent 8-12 percent increase in faculty and administrators pondering the terrifying meaninglessness of life, the university will continue operations as usual.
“As always, the safety of our students, faculty, and staff is paramount,” wrote Kirwan. “I mean, I think so. I don’t know. We’re all going to die anyway.”