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Area Student has Strict Bedtime of “I Don’t Give a Shit” O’Clock

Man sleeping in bed

CAMBRIDGE, MA-After rigorous enforcement of the virtual sleep-training, administered by Harvard to teach undergraduates about the sleep they already knew they were missing, Raymond Lambert ’20 has decided to set a strict bedtime of “I Don’t Give a Shit” o’clock. A Harvard College Scholar, joint history and anthropology concentrator, as well as an accomplished violinist, Lambert claims this new bedtime is the secret to his success.

Area Friend Remembers that You, Too, Have Finals

two girls sitting in a dorm room
In what has been heralded as exemplary maintenance of an interpersonal relationship, area friend Veronica S. Ware '19 recently realized that you, her best friend and roommate, are also experiencing exams period right now.
This moment, in which Ware dipped her toe into the realms of “compassion” and “empathy," arrived after you walked into the room at 2:34 a.m. with your backpack on a Saturday night. Ware asked what you had been up to, and you replied, "Working."

Area Student Gets Off on Stat 110 Lectures at 2 Times the Speed

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Chancing surreptitious glances to her left and right, local Harvard student Alice Starsky was reportedly binge watching Stat 110 lectures Wednesday, her face awash with the blue light of her Macbook screen.

Katie Lapp Trapped Under Pile of Ec1017 Bluebooks

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff of Harvard University, Executive Vice President Katie Lapp is currently trapped under a pile of Ec1017 Bluebooks.

Increasingly Desperate Interdimensional Entity Attempts to Contact Local Student via Radiator

Cambridge, MA—For the past two weeks, an interdimensional entity has been attempting to warn local student John Reyes of humanity’s impending doom by tapping out really loud and annoying messages on his radiator.

Using a combination of binary and Morse, the entity has conveyed long and complex algorithms that would allow humanity to escape the bounds of our solar system and find salvation in a distant Earth analog.

Mather Sophomore Can’t Believe That Other Mather Sophomore Can’t Believe That “We’re Almost Juniors!”

Mather sophomore Ernie Jacobson has found it hard to believe that blockmate Julia Frinkle can’t believe that sophomore year is almost over, and that, by extension, junior year has almost begun. 

Julia’s Facebook status, “OMG, TWO YEARS DOWN ALREADY??  I can’t believe we are almost JUNIORS! Thanks everyone for a great year! ” indicated to Ernie that Julia is having difficultly understanding that she is, in fact, almost a junior.