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Math Department Releases Classification of Safe Spaces

CAMBRIDGE, MA ­– Keeping with the university’s commitment to fostering inclusive social environments, the Harvard Department of Mathematics published a full classification of safe spaces today.

“The manifold spaces detailed in this work represent the product of months of tireless study by our devoted faculty,” said Professor Peter Kronheimer, the chair of the department. “The theory of safe spaces is now hitting its prime, and this classification should be an integral resource for those wishing to work with such spaces in the future.”

Conflicted Homophobic Student Wants Rainbow Cake

CAMBRIDGE, MA – While passing by an on-campus celebration in honor of BGLTQ history month, deeply homophobic sophomore Danny Larson underwent a moral conflict upon seeing the “delicious-looking” rainbow cake being served at the party. 

“It was a tough moment for me,” Larson said. “I definitely don’t support gay rights or agree with the homosexual lifestyle, but that rainbow cake looked fabulous.” 

Arkansas Comes Out as First Openly Gay State

Following months of speculation and way too much Prada trafficking through the state, Arkansas released a press statement confirming its homosexuality. Says Governor Mike Beebe, “I mean, come on. Everybody knows that the biggest bully is actually the biggest victim.”
Arkansas, known for its strident homophobia—exhibited on billboards denouncing marriage between members of the same sex by saying “No to gay, all day,” says it has just been covering up for a great shame to its evangelical pride.