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Scientists Confirm Superior Race is People Who Wear Shorts in December

A man holding a beaker with a man wearing shorts in the snow inside of it.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a chilling new discovery, scientists have finally pinpointed the most advanced race on Earth: people who wear shorts in December. The centuries-long debate has culminated in a conclusion on which we all can agree. 

“Evolution has lead us to this very point,” noted scientist Roger Jennings, his shoulders on full display through his sleeveless undershirt despite sub-zero temperatures. “It started back in October with the three-quarter kaki. From there, the correlation between genetic superiority and pant length was strictly negative.”

What’s the Point of Having a Sun If It’s Just Gonna Fucking Set at 4pm?

Let me paint you a picture. I’m going for my bi-monthly afternoon jog when suddenly, it’s pitch black. I’m disoriented, and I accidentally run off the road into a rose bush. I’m stuck there for three hours. All because the sun decided it was "cool" to set before dinnertime. Why the fuck do we even have a sun if it’s just gonna drop like a sack of potatoes at 4pm?

Winter Comes Again

BOSTON, MA -- After a disappointing performance over the last few months, Winter is back for round two. “Look, I’m sorry about before. I’m usually much better,” said Winter, who rained gentle white snow on the faces of Boston residents less than a week ago. “But I think I have a little left in the tank for round two.”

Freshman Excited They Survived Harsh New England Winter

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- Nick P. Ryan ‘19 is super excited that he has survived his first harsh New England winter. This winter has been especially memorable, marked by some overcast days and 40-degree weather. There have even been two full inches of snow.

Harvard Student’s Urine Freezes While Peeing on Statue

CAMBRIDGE, MA - As temperatures on campus plunged as low as 10 below zero, prompting weather warnings regarding “life-threatening wind chills,” Harvard freshman Daniel Wilson ’19 found himself in the unfortunate situation of having his member frozen to the foot of John Harvard by a three-foot arc of urine.

Executive Vice President Katie Lapp Trapped Again Under Puddle of Melting Snow

Cambridge, MA--According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a large puddle in Harvard Square.

Harvard University Declines to Close for Plague of Locusts

Cambridge, MA—Classes continued as scheduled Friday, despite reports of millions of locusts infesting Cambridge’s remaining coniferous shrubbery and devouring the latest shipment of HUDS squash. Professors prevented from coming to work by the plague of locusts, which closely followed the worst week of snowfall in Boston-area history and a curious incident where blood poured from a crack in the frozen Charles River, were instructed to inform their students of any changes to class schedules created by the incident.

Winter is About to Come Right Now

Although it’s been trying to hold back and build up its endurance, Winter reports that it feels like it’s about to come right now. “Uggh,” said Winter when reached for comment, as it blew against the chapped faces of the denizens of Harvard Square. “I usually don’t come this early, I swear.”