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Harvard Student’s Urine Freezes While Peeing on Statue

Although painful, Wilson's experience was far from the most humiliating thing that the statue of John Harvard has ever witnessed.
CAMBRIDGE, MA - As temperatures on campus plunged as low as 10 below zero, prompting weather warnings regarding “life-threatening wind chills,” Harvard freshman Daniel Wilson ’19 found himself in the unfortunate situation of having his member frozen to the foot of John Harvard by a three-foot arc of urine.
Witnesses report seeing Wilson stumbling toward the statue amid the frigid winter conditions in the early hours of Sunday morning, shouting obscenities into the otherwise deserted Harvard Yard. After unzipping his fly and taking careful aim, Wilson began to urinate, angling the stream into a high rainbow that curled towards the polished bronze of John Harvard’s foot through gusts of gale-force wind. However, as the pale yellow fluid flowed through the air, the arctic temperatures caused it to freeze, welding Wilson’s manhood to the 132-year-old statue.
By mid-morning, a crowd of tourists had gathered around the statue, led by a Crimson Key guide describing the three lies associated with the monument. “Harvard students will often touch the left foot of the statue on the way to final exams,” explained the guide, “although we recommend washing the frozen chunks of urine off your hands for extra luck.” Wilson’s increasingly desperate cries for help were drowned out by the snapping of cameras and the excited chatter of tourists as they posed for photos under the now dripping arch of solidified wee.
After finally being detached from the ice by HUPD officers, Wilson began to rationalize his somewhat traumatic experience. “Now I’ve done primal scream and pissed on the statue!”
Wilson was last seen stepping onto the hand rail of the Weeks footbridge, preparing to jump onto the thickly frozen ice below.
Image source: Tim Sackton/Flickr
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