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John Harvard Statue

Harvard to Mail Urine Collection Kits So Students Can Pee on John Harvard From Home

John Harvard statue

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In an effort to bring students together by adapting beloved traditions to the pandemic, Dean Rakesh Khurana has confirmed plans to mail out urine collection kits to allow students to pee on the John Harvard statue from home.

Harvard Student’s Urine Freezes While Peeing on Statue

CAMBRIDGE, MA - As temperatures on campus plunged as low as 10 below zero, prompting weather warnings regarding “life-threatening wind chills,” Harvard freshman Daniel Wilson ’19 found himself in the unfortunate situation of having his member frozen to the foot of John Harvard by a three-foot arc of urine.

Tourist Decapitates Student with Selfie Stick

Dozens of horrified onlookers watched in stunned silence as a tourist in Harvard Yard decapitated a passing student with an ineptly wielded selfie stick. According to the official police report, the tourist carelessly swung her stick into a footpath while posing for a photo with the John Harvard statue, striking an unnamed Harvard student in the throat. The selfie stick severed her neck and spinal column were immediately severed, sending her head flying backward in a spray of blood, cerebrospinal fluid, strings of fat, and vertebral fragments.