As the leadership of the Harvard Undergraduate Council prepares for its semesterly meeting with University President Drew Gilpin Faust, the Office of the President confirmed that Faust will "beat UC ass." 

Speaking through a plastic mouthguard, President Faust reminded students that "you are exshpendable, little piecshes of shit.  Shuckle at my teat, vermin."  

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to reports from Al Jazeera Quad, Cabot House’s recent UC election has ended in a 380-way tie. As of Monday morning, the UC Commission had yet to decide a method for resolving the unprecedented result, in which all 380 residents of Cabot House received the same number of votes—zero. The UC’s bylaws and constitution make no provisions for such a result, according to UC legal scholar Michael Wasserman ’14.

Satire V is proud to endorse Abe Liu for the position of President of the Harvard Undergraduate Council.  We believe that Liu has the gumption to cross partisan lines and even physical boundaries in order to benefit the Harvard community.